Review, compare and contrast.

I've been reviewing lots of things.
One if them is this blog. It doesn't seem to be helping me at the moment, I'm just trawling out the same nonsense over and over, I still feel crap and... Its boring.

Currently I'm experiencing...
A dying mother-in-law.
Rejection.
A barren emotional life at home.
Turmoil over feelings about me from at least one source.

And I'm not sure I want to burden anyone else with it any longer.

Maybe I'll let you know. Until then... Goodbye.

Is it really 2 weeks since I wrote anything?
Apparently.
Well, I fel like I have little to say about this side of my personality at the moment. I've been on a relatively even keel, there's some pitch, roll and yaw, but not as much as at the bad times, and so I'm just enjoying the 'calm'.

Goodnight.

In which there are Panics over nothing

I felt truly awful last night. Fluey, sick, tired, down, morbid...
So I headed to bed at 11ish (I am off work so this is allowed!)
And this morning I woke up at just after 6am to see my phone blinking in the dark with the usual Twitter messages from the early risers and late stayers.
I flipped the touchscreen open and saw a missed call. The worry started there and ran headlong into panic. Who would call me at gone eleven at night. Well, LBJ (maybe but probably not), Dad, and Number 1Son.
Any which way, its not good news.

It was Number 1.
Oh shit.

Then I see there's a text message from 5 minutes later.
It said "Just out in (Adoptive City) and saw that The Hold Steady are playing this month. Thought you'd like to know, don't call me back, I'm out on the razz."

Was so tempted to phone him and claim I hadn't read the text... But that would be Bad Parenting. Probably.

Nothing ever seems to go as intended. Is it just me or do the rest of the planets population get the same thing?
Ginger Ninja ran to the boss and told him about my row with the Toerag. Not been bollocked yet, but I expect to. Its got to the stage where you can't tell him anything, and now it seems you don't need to tell him, he blabs anyway!!!
At least I have a day or two off... before a long stint and then a proper long rest.

Keep Calm & Carry On.

A week is a long time in politics...

A week ago, or there abouts, I was being told that as our hours had increased we would be due a pay rise. Other advantages would be coming our way - Life was improving and Big Brother would make sure we were happy.
Today the snide little toerag I sadly share a surname with, but NO DNA I hasten to add, was going round telling people that my department was being shut down and the product was to be bought from another company. He told the engineers, his department, production... but not me. The only person affected by this possible development, and he didn't even tell me.
So when I asked the boss, who looked suitably shocked that news was out, I was absolutely guilt free that toerags balls will be in a vice tomorrow morning.

So the situation is...
The company might buy the product from elsewhere.
I might, along with 2 colleagues, be made redundant.
It might not happen.

I've drunk some wine and eaten too much bad food tonight. I need some comfort, after all.

Out of the mouths of babes...

LBJ - Oi, Fatso!
Me - what?
LBJ - Just listening to a song and thought of you
Me - Ah... I listened to this and thought of you. :) I was expecting something rude from you, though.
LBJ - Rude? Me? I think you have the wrong woman!
Me - Wrong woman? Oh, in oh so many ways...
LBJ - Oh, mate :-(
Me - Meh, Sort of getting used to it...
LBJ - Still... :-(

Spent an hour or two talking with my mate who seems to be suffering from depression.
I think I have persuaded him to seek further help...

Otherwise my life has little to recommend it at the moment.
There are no deep thoughts, no news, no... nothing really.
Bimbling along.

Goodnight!

She climbed, somewhat uncertainly, into bed. Quite drunk from the night out.
Drunk enough to feel amorous. Not drunk enough to let me touch her as she had demanded.
Well, I say demanded, cuddled up, made all the 'right' noises, wriggled... and then when my hand wandered towards her skin, recoiled, pushed away, hid, said 'wait a minute' - and was asleep in moments.
Sad thing was I didn't want to touch her. Only a feeling of duty, obligation, made me.
Even the little touch of her I managed didn't work for me, I didn't enjoy the feel of her.

I feel ashamed.
And at the same time kind of liberated, because I know this isn't my fault.

I sent The Poet a message yesterday, the first since the falling out of things. I'm wondering if she will reply. I'm really not sure. She hasn't yet, but it was a fairly long message so may need some digestion.

I hope she likes this link.


Or she may think I'm evil.

I should be really stressed this week, but I'm not.
Not entirely sure why, but I guess I'll just go with it.


I know this isn't exactly earth shattering, doesn't open my soul, had no real insight into the human condition... But I'm in a bit of a level phase...

I'll try to be more upset soon.

Its been an odd few days.
Work's been its usual arsey self.
And The Poet and I have fallen out somewhat. One of those things that doesn't have a definable start, or cause, but the tail of it is still wrapped around me.

Happy New Year.

This is not the New Years Eve I'd have chosen for myself.
I'd have been with friends, eating and drinking. Relaxed, music, and time for one another.
But I was working today, and I'm working tomorrow. So I'm alone, and an early night beckons.

It is what it is.

It's not what I'd have picked, but it is what I have, so I will enjoy it.

May the coming year bring you happiness, in whatever form you desire.

Love

Confused.

My mum knew who I was, but couldn't remember my name.
I'll take that... its choking me up now, managed to hold the tears in while I was there in case I upset her.

I've not been in the mood to write anything at the moment.
Losing £100, seeing a woman who I thought was my mum for a moment in a distant city, the workmates getting another easy weekend when the plant broke down again (of course its been fixed in time for my shift again), and general... stuff... has left me deciding that I'm not writing anymore for a while.

A week, maybe two, maybe more. I don't know.

Bye for now.

I'm trying to remember that its not as bad as I think.

Some people have it much worse. Remember that, and try to give a little.

However being told that you are 'money-grabbing' because you're reluctant to take on a huge amount of responsibility and extra work for free... is a little stressful.

What a difference a week makes...

One week you're drinking cocktails and chatting to theatrical dancers, the next you're being told that you are probably working Xmas day and that the whole plant will be running 24/7 though the whole holiday season.
Oh, and "tough what are you going to do about it?" was the bosses delightful attitude. No doubt he'll tell us we're all in it together... while he stays at home the whole time as usual.

Yeah - I'm fucking upset.

It's looming...

I've been trying to ignore it for weeks, months even. Trying to remind myself that it will be over in a day or two and it's no big deal.
But Christmas is getting closer. Everyone is making plans and saying "lets get together" and I want to pull the duvet over my head and stay there until February.

Meeting, and renewals

Sister's birthday party over the weekend meant I met loads of people who I'd not seen in 20 or more years. That, along with fancy dress, and plenty of beer and food made for a good evening.
Scary amounts of ice on the way out made for a painful evening for several people, and even more near misses as people nearly went flying. Number One Son, however walked normally over the sheet of ice, utterly unbothered by it, and didn't so much as wobble...

Lots of driving followed, back home then taking Number One Son back to college.

Lastly I went to what is coming to be known as a Tweet-up, or a Twiss-up. Lots of people I talk to via Twitter, a bar, lots of "Oh my god!" style exclaimations, wine and cocktails all round... Was great fun. And thought provoking as lots of people from very different backgrounds, different agendas, different outlooks made for an interesting night.

Great train journey home too - I'm fairly happy to talk to strangers as it is, but after a few beers... try to stop me! So I ended up chatting to a group of musicians who work in the West End on a variety of big musicals. Had a 'right larff'.
No great lessons learned, but a great day. I even managed to spend an hour or so in the British Museum, one of my favourite places in the world.

A version of this song was in my head all day - Enjoy.
The Diggers Song.

I'm on day two of a decent break. Lots of driving to come over thweekend, but then I should be able to have some fun, and time to myself, for things I like.

I live in hope - but as John Cleese one said "It's not the despair, Laura. I can take the despair. It's the hope I can't stand."

They dumped the waste all over the floor and then vanished.
At 3pm I was roped into 'helping to clear up' the mess.
By 4pm I knew full well I was doing it alone.
4:30 I asked if I was going to get some help, especially as I didn't make the mess.
I was told "They're too important to be clearing up."

I'm seriously thinking about resigning tomorrow.