The Rollercoaster still rolls on... Night shift, insomnia, LL's BF having another aggressive freakout, being almost penniless 2 days after payday, Mother's day, and work are all making the downslope steeper.


I want to write so much, but don't seem to have the energy or the inspiration to make it worth reading, or make it work for me. It will just be more moaning.

I keep hoping the upslope will start soon.

Saw my dad today.
Was nice, but he was very antsy. He's nearly 70 and a law unto himself. All was going nice when he suddenly stood up and said "Right I have to go!" with no warning at all.
Such is the way he is these days. I didn't say anything, or object, I was just pleased to see him, even for a short while.

Internet has been disconnected for a few days... Lots of shouting at people in India has finally got it back for us.
Then a stressful day taking Number 1 Son to a university open day.
All was OK on the drive up there, then the initial meet/greet/tour was fine. Suddenly, out of nowhere I was hit by a massive panic attack. I managed to duck out of the lecture and walked down the road to an art gallery where I spent a pleasant hour. As I left I spoke to the girl on the desk about the collection. She did a great job of being genuinely interested and pleased at my comments, which made me feel pretty good, no matter how fake it was.

The rest of the day was better.

grinding on.
too tired for much else.

I have a prescription for "My Mate Zac" as the LBJ and I refer to fluoxetine.
My next decision is whether or not to get it filled. I never filled the last one, as I just didn't seem to need it -it sat on my desk as a safety net if things got any worse, they didn't, so it lapsed.
One reason for not wanting to fill it is that "its inclined to affect me prowess!", as Flanders and Swann said... Well - it actually removed the need/feeling/interest for some considerable time. And for some time after I stopped taking it.
That might be a shallow thing, or it might not. I no longer know.
I do know that I don't like it.

I have read my own blog. I need help.
I'm going to go to talk to my doctor in a day or two.

Another depressingly long slog of work over the next few weeks.
2nights, 2 off, 7 days, 2 off, 4nights, 3 off, 5 days, 3 off, 4 days, Bank Holiday weekend, 5 nights.

I just want to give up. Stop. No more. I'm crying all the time. I can't get rested. I hurt. If I had £50 in the bank I'd quit the place and never go back.
Why can't I find a job that doesn't want to kill me? The last 4 jobs I've had have all (at one time or another) made me work ridiculous hours, injured me, harmed my mental health, and left me worse off in pretty much every sense of the word.

Is that the way it is for everyone, or is it just me? It certainly feels like its just me... When I was out with my friends recently one guy was telling me what a tough time they were having. I sympathised as he told me about the renovation of the new house, the problems with his £40K car, the trip to Mexico, Florida, Costa Rica and Jamaica... I didn't tell him how I felt about his 25-30 hour week, the time he can spend gaming online, the stay at home wife raising the kids, and the fact that he stops work in early December and starts again in February. Happy Xmas! I'm bitching. He works hard in his way, and I know there are times he does a lot more hours than that... but...

Oh, what's the bloody point?