Sad.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/film/2010/jan/07/dennis-hopper-dies-74

Some people go, and its sad and that's it. Some people go and you just can't believe that someone so primal, vital, so... full of life can be snuffed out.
Dennis Hopper was one of those people. Well - maybe he wasn't but that was the way he seemed to me. I think they lost a 'great' today.

China Girl was so full of life, I couldn't take it in that the cancer was stronger.
I miss her all the time.


Oh - and in the obit... Frank didn't snort Helium. For Fuck's Sake - check facts! Helium would have made his voice squeak and all menace would have been gone instantly. And Frank was all menace. One of the scariest characters ever brought to the screen.
This time RIP means Riot in Paradise.

Deja vu all over again...

I seem to have been one, long, drawn out scream this week.
It has been an OK week in reality, but internally its been pointless turmoil, unreasoning panics, and the fear of something looming up on me.
Paranoia, almost.

Ah well, I'll try to relax today.

In Dreams...

She needed me to hold her and make it better. She curled herself into my arms, and cried on my chest. I couldn't do anything but be there, hold her and that was enough.
It wasn't sex, it was just deep love.
And then she kissed me. So softly, I'd waited forever for her to love me back. Now I cried too.

And then she was gone, I rolled over and hit the alarm snooze button with her laugh still ringing in my head.
I was confused, but I knew she was coming back, she told me she was... but here it was suddenly dark and cool, not the warm afternoon we'd shared...

They say "don't let them take your dreams" - I wish someone would take that one.
It broke my heart.

Seems I was wrong about everything.
Water flows, nobody shows, all is as it was again.

Just when you think the corner is turned.

The meal was lovely.
The tuna steaks were thick, the chicken perfect, the scallops tender, the prawns massive and tasty...
A lovely evening.

When we got in I went to make a cup of tea, and nothing came out of the tap. I made a call... It seems that we've not payed, and we're cut off.
It seems we both thought the other one was paying it. Stupid.

I've had enough.

I'm Number 5, so why try harder?

Warning... extreme self pity ahead.

I'm not Number 1.
I'm not even Number 2.
I'm probably about Number 5, or lower.
And its starting to get to me.

I'm not number one for anyone. Wifey and Number 1 Son don't consider me as their number one.
Neither of my parents had me as their number one. I've been a Best Man twice... once I was third choice, once was at the second marriage, so I was second choice there too.
I'm nobodies best friend, best lover, best husband, best father, best child... nobodies first choice, most desired, most wanted...

I guess that's just the way it goes.