Sad.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/film/2010/jan/07/dennis-hopper-dies-74

Some people go, and its sad and that's it. Some people go and you just can't believe that someone so primal, vital, so... full of life can be snuffed out.
Dennis Hopper was one of those people. Well - maybe he wasn't but that was the way he seemed to me. I think they lost a 'great' today.

China Girl was so full of life, I couldn't take it in that the cancer was stronger.
I miss her all the time.


Oh - and in the obit... Frank didn't snort Helium. For Fuck's Sake - check facts! Helium would have made his voice squeak and all menace would have been gone instantly. And Frank was all menace. One of the scariest characters ever brought to the screen.
This time RIP means Riot in Paradise.

Deja vu all over again...

I seem to have been one, long, drawn out scream this week.
It has been an OK week in reality, but internally its been pointless turmoil, unreasoning panics, and the fear of something looming up on me.
Paranoia, almost.

Ah well, I'll try to relax today.

In Dreams...

She needed me to hold her and make it better. She curled herself into my arms, and cried on my chest. I couldn't do anything but be there, hold her and that was enough.
It wasn't sex, it was just deep love.
And then she kissed me. So softly, I'd waited forever for her to love me back. Now I cried too.

And then she was gone, I rolled over and hit the alarm snooze button with her laugh still ringing in my head.
I was confused, but I knew she was coming back, she told me she was... but here it was suddenly dark and cool, not the warm afternoon we'd shared...

They say "don't let them take your dreams" - I wish someone would take that one.
It broke my heart.

Seems I was wrong about everything.
Water flows, nobody shows, all is as it was again.

Just when you think the corner is turned.

The meal was lovely.
The tuna steaks were thick, the chicken perfect, the scallops tender, the prawns massive and tasty...
A lovely evening.

When we got in I went to make a cup of tea, and nothing came out of the tap. I made a call... It seems that we've not payed, and we're cut off.
It seems we both thought the other one was paying it. Stupid.

I've had enough.

I'm Number 5, so why try harder?

Warning... extreme self pity ahead.

I'm not Number 1.
I'm not even Number 2.
I'm probably about Number 5, or lower.
And its starting to get to me.

I'm not number one for anyone. Wifey and Number 1 Son don't consider me as their number one.
Neither of my parents had me as their number one. I've been a Best Man twice... once I was third choice, once was at the second marriage, so I was second choice there too.
I'm nobodies best friend, best lover, best husband, best father, best child... nobodies first choice, most desired, most wanted...

I guess that's just the way it goes.

Can't be bothered...

I've been trying to persuade her to come visit me here. Number 1 Son is away for a few days with friends, its our anniversary, I'm working massively long hours and could do without 2 long drives...
I called her.
"Are you coming up?"
"But its two trains..."
"We get some time away, we can go to {Local Tourist Attraction} you've always said you want to see it... Dinner, some time to ourselves."
"I don't feel up to taking the train. We can go out for the day here instead."

Yeah... great.

Update... Possibly...

It is possible that someone is laughing up their sleeve at me.
Will know soon enough.

Work Stuff

Some musings re: Work...

When a member of your staff gives you his review feedback form which says "We'd like some positive feedback now and again..." The correct response doesn't involve a 45 minute monologue in which you repeatedly say "The next person to fuck up will get fired", it doesn't motivate them.

1% is not a pay rise.

When some men wander onto the site and steal £50K of equipment, bolting the gates would have been better before it happened, Security guards would have been a good (as would working CCTV cameras - saved some money there, did you?) and "Someone let them in, and when I find out who, they'll get fired!" is not the correct response.

I cannot be at both ends of the plant and running the main process at the same time.

You cannot solve all the problems from your office chair. You need to get out of it and look at the problem once in a while.

Actually - those are all addressed to my boss...

I think a fundamentally decent, but sometimes misguided, man has left the leadership of the country.
I think a fundamentally selfish, corrupt and self-serving man is going to run the country.
The rich will benefit from the Conservative government.
The rest of us will pay.

I feel sad right now. I felt happy on that morning in 1997 when I had a government that promised me so much and, for the first time in my life, agreed with me.

But that promise failed to be fulfilled. Maybe we need a bastard in charge now and again to do the unpopular, nasty stuff that needs to be done sometimes.

Spent the day trying to recompose my CV. Managed to do it in the end.
I'm never happy with it because my confidence has been so battered by work and home over the last 2 years, I just feel like I'm writing fiction.
Still... Managed to complete it. It will be sent in tomorrow. I hope.

Moods have been flinging me around like a ragdoll today. Woke up feeling good at about 6am, by 9 I was in the Pits of Hell, at 10 I was up, and noon I was down... and so it went for the whole day.
Even now I've been up at 7, down at 8 and , right now... I'm in the middle, waiting for it to go again.

LBJ.
I love you. And have been really moved by your words... Just wanted to say that.

Bad work rotas, good birthday meals, agoraphobia, attempts at rewritting CVs, panic attacks in supermarkets, extreme horniness followed by extreme disinterest, late nights watching election coverage, black, black moods...

Now you are up to date with my last week or so.

I thought writer's block would be more fun...