Well... That was a weekend and a half. Well, It was 2 days of the week and the a Saturday!
As I said - I got home mid-afternoon on Wednesday, somewhat stunned and a bit light headed. And spent the rest of the day trying to get myself back on an even keel. Thursday I managed to do nothing of any use, and spent the whole day in a very black mood, trying to raise myself above the level of pond-scum... no, that's not true, more like the green slime at the bottom of the pond that the snails wont eat.
But in the end I took Wifey for a meal at a local pub. Was pleasant enough, but I wasn't in the mood. I just felt like screaming. I ended up drinking 2 pints with the meal, which I really shouldn't have as I was driving. Did manage to nick a very nice pint glass though.
Friday, I went to visit the college friends.
Drove down and met up with the New Parents. Made the appropriate cooing noises over the baby... who was pretty cute, but then he only has one job, and that's to look cute...
Lunch was nice and fuelled with coffee, dinner with Ikea Couple was very booze fuelled. Glad to say no hangover this morning... was really worried that there would be, but I slept well, and woke at a civilised late hour.
Popped over to see Ma and Pa (http://confused40s.blogspot.com/2009/07/you-try-not-to-become-your-parents-but.html) And had a nice chat...
Trouble was that from the moment I arrived at New Parents house I wanted to get the FUCK out of there... All the way through the dinner I made all the appropriate noises, joined in, but I wanted to run. One of the reasons I drank as much as I did was to make sure I didn't get in the car and Get The FUCK out of there.
The last thing I did was to not do something. I was going to visit Zgirl but she was working until late in the afternoon, I made an excuse to avoid going over. She wasn't happy. Several messages on my phone this afternoon as a result.
And so to bed... oh damn, got to unload the washing machine... and then to... oh no, better make some food for work tomorrow... and so to... Ah, who am I kidding???
Saturday 28 November 2009
Thursday 26 November 2009
Paralysis.
I feel paralysed by my situation. Situations.
I know that if I get started I will feel better, but I can't. I just can't get past it.
There's a terror inside the action of starting that seems to outweigh the terror I have for doing nothing.
So here I am sitting in a darkened room, listening to the wind outside and doing nothing other than waste time on the net. That and feel terrible.
I'm going away tomorrow. Going down to see some of my old college mates and have some "me time" - a phrase I hate, but I can't think of a better one for the selfish use of time that could be spent more productively, but wont be used for anything other than ducking issues.
Wifey is still in bed. She's tired after cooking a meal yesterday. And having a blood test.
She couldn't use her left arm at all last night as a result of the blood being taken. She carried it as if it was in a sling, complained vociferously as she dished up the food, and couldn't hold a fork because of it... I just wanted to scream at her "It doesn't hurt that much!" I can't find it cute or have any sympathy any more. I just get irritated.
I'm know I'm moaning, but I don't know how else to cope with it, other than to say (or type) it outloud.
Oh - things I alluded to in an earlier post...
Yankee Boy ended up in hospital this week. Thought he had a bit of upset guts, had his appendix out instead. American Mom (His wife, not his mum) was in a state, it was her first day back at work after a major operation... which was kind of amusing for me. I was worried for him, perhaps more than I would have been as it happened on a very black day for me. But he is fine, apparently. He even called me in the middle of my night shift to let me know he was home and was OK, and we chatted for the first time in several months... nearly a year, actually.
That was one of the week's high points.
Lastly, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for LBJ.
I'd pray for good news if there was a god, but there isn't.
I'd send karma if I thought mine would help.
So, instead, I'm just crossing my fingers for her... which, you should realise, means this blog post is a miracle of manual and mental dexterity. YOU try typing with crossed fingers!!!
I know that if I get started I will feel better, but I can't. I just can't get past it.
There's a terror inside the action of starting that seems to outweigh the terror I have for doing nothing.
So here I am sitting in a darkened room, listening to the wind outside and doing nothing other than waste time on the net. That and feel terrible.
I'm going away tomorrow. Going down to see some of my old college mates and have some "me time" - a phrase I hate, but I can't think of a better one for the selfish use of time that could be spent more productively, but wont be used for anything other than ducking issues.
Wifey is still in bed. She's tired after cooking a meal yesterday. And having a blood test.
She couldn't use her left arm at all last night as a result of the blood being taken. She carried it as if it was in a sling, complained vociferously as she dished up the food, and couldn't hold a fork because of it... I just wanted to scream at her "It doesn't hurt that much!" I can't find it cute or have any sympathy any more. I just get irritated.
I'm know I'm moaning, but I don't know how else to cope with it, other than to say (or type) it outloud.
Oh - things I alluded to in an earlier post...
Yankee Boy ended up in hospital this week. Thought he had a bit of upset guts, had his appendix out instead. American Mom (His wife, not his mum) was in a state, it was her first day back at work after a major operation... which was kind of amusing for me. I was worried for him, perhaps more than I would have been as it happened on a very black day for me. But he is fine, apparently. He even called me in the middle of my night shift to let me know he was home and was OK, and we chatted for the first time in several months... nearly a year, actually.
That was one of the week's high points.
Lastly, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for LBJ.
I'd pray for good news if there was a god, but there isn't.
I'd send karma if I thought mine would help.
So, instead, I'm just crossing my fingers for her... which, you should realise, means this blog post is a miracle of manual and mental dexterity. YOU try typing with crossed fingers!!!
Wednesday 25 November 2009
Time to sleep...
I'm very tired after a run of night shifts. A short post before I finally fall asleep.
The plant was a nightmare. I got covered in several unpleasant substances.
I'm sick of the boss - even more so than usual.
OK - That's it... shorter than I thought, but all I can manage for now.
Story of best friend/hospital, phone calls etc will have to wait until later.
The plant was a nightmare. I got covered in several unpleasant substances.
I'm sick of the boss - even more so than usual.
OK - That's it... shorter than I thought, but all I can manage for now.
Story of best friend/hospital, phone calls etc will have to wait until later.
Sunday 22 November 2009
Too Many Roads...
Lots of driving this weekend.
Lots of coffee.
Not much sleep.
Lots of stress.
Am currently at home and have a short while to myself...
So... my niece was christened. I read something from the bible - which was just a bunch of words, but everyone said was lovely. Then to a pub afterwards - "no beer, I'm driving, thanks" was the order of business. Met other sisters new boyfriend, who seems normal, which is odd - knowing her.
Saw some people I haven't seen or a while, but it was all a bit too much (too many people, not enough room, skittish father making me nervous) and I started with a panic attack, so I got out and went for a short walk. Cleared my head before it all got too much.
Then went to the home to visit my mum who is OK, rambling as usual, and has lost her teeth (best not to think about who might have them!) but is OK. It was less stressful than I thought it was going to be, actually, but still not the way it should be.
Drive back was as much of a joy as the British motorway system usually is. Psycho truckers, roadworks, assholes and general lack of awareness... that, and general tiredness, meant too much coffee and no food. So the last 20 miles were characterised by a racing heart, nausea, and general feelings of unwellness... We grabbed a takeaway near home and I feel better for having eaten.
I am almost looking forward to work tomorrow... Almost... bah - who am I kidding?
Lots of coffee.
Not much sleep.
Lots of stress.
Am currently at home and have a short while to myself...
So... my niece was christened. I read something from the bible - which was just a bunch of words, but everyone said was lovely. Then to a pub afterwards - "no beer, I'm driving, thanks" was the order of business. Met other sisters new boyfriend, who seems normal, which is odd - knowing her.
Saw some people I haven't seen or a while, but it was all a bit too much (too many people, not enough room, skittish father making me nervous) and I started with a panic attack, so I got out and went for a short walk. Cleared my head before it all got too much.
Then went to the home to visit my mum who is OK, rambling as usual, and has lost her teeth (best not to think about who might have them!) but is OK. It was less stressful than I thought it was going to be, actually, but still not the way it should be.
Drive back was as much of a joy as the British motorway system usually is. Psycho truckers, roadworks, assholes and general lack of awareness... that, and general tiredness, meant too much coffee and no food. So the last 20 miles were characterised by a racing heart, nausea, and general feelings of unwellness... We grabbed a takeaway near home and I feel better for having eaten.
I am almost looking forward to work tomorrow... Almost... bah - who am I kidding?
Friday 20 November 2009
Working nights really doesn't suit me... Have a stinking headache, feel nauseous and I have a hugely busy weekend ahead. Lots of driving... but first, another nights work to do.
They say the secret of great comedy is timing.
So its probably funny that I took this job just as the world economy died on its arse.
And it may be funny that I made a decision the other day, and then it was thrown into doubt just 2 hours later.
I decided to look for a way and a opportunity to end my relationship with my wife.
I'm going to try to be as non-cruel about it as possible and find a way that we can split 'gently'.
I doubt its possible, but one has to try.
Then I spoke to her on the phone.
"I've booked in to see the doctor on Monday." Oh, I thought I knew you were taking a sickie at the weekend, but this seems a little over dramatic...
"I have had a headache for about a month, and I passed out while getting dressed this morning... And I keep going dizzy."
Immediately I feel panicky, worried, how will I cope without her if its something serious...
Maybe I haven't made that decision at all.
They say the secret of great comedy is timing.
So its probably funny that I took this job just as the world economy died on its arse.
And it may be funny that I made a decision the other day, and then it was thrown into doubt just 2 hours later.
I decided to look for a way and a opportunity to end my relationship with my wife.
I'm going to try to be as non-cruel about it as possible and find a way that we can split 'gently'.
I doubt its possible, but one has to try.
Then I spoke to her on the phone.
"I've booked in to see the doctor on Monday." Oh, I thought I knew you were taking a sickie at the weekend, but this seems a little over dramatic...
"I have had a headache for about a month, and I passed out while getting dressed this morning... And I keep going dizzy."
Immediately I feel panicky, worried, how will I cope without her if its something serious...
Maybe I haven't made that decision at all.
Thursday 19 November 2009
Is it possible?
Insomnia and narcolepsy are the only way I can describe my current sleep pattern.
I wanted to stay awake until late last night as I'm working 12 hours tonight.
So naturally I fell asleep in the chair.
I woke about 40 minutes later, and had a coffee - that should work, will be up for ages now.
I woke up 45 minutes later.
But I felt refreshed and decided some net surfing was the best idea.
I woke up 20 minutes later.
Reading didn't go any better.
I turned the light off and went to sleep.
7am the insomnia struck.
I've been yawning all day, and feel very tired, but there seems no prospect of going back to sleep.
I wanted to stay awake until late last night as I'm working 12 hours tonight.
So naturally I fell asleep in the chair.
I woke about 40 minutes later, and had a coffee - that should work, will be up for ages now.
I woke up 45 minutes later.
But I felt refreshed and decided some net surfing was the best idea.
I woke up 20 minutes later.
Reading didn't go any better.
I turned the light off and went to sleep.
7am the insomnia struck.
I've been yawning all day, and feel very tired, but there seems no prospect of going back to sleep.
Tuesday 17 November 2009
Monday 16 November 2009
Back.
So the laptop is fixed, I've changed all my passwords... Not that I don't trust my local PC fixer, but I don't trust them... and while I've been away a lot has changed.
Belle De Jour is no longer anonymous - which is, in many ways, a shame. There's a new guy at work. Edward Woodward has died.
Will think of something interesting to write soon... I hope.
Belle De Jour is no longer anonymous - which is, in many ways, a shame. There's a new guy at work. Edward Woodward has died.
Will think of something interesting to write soon... I hope.
Wednesday 11 November 2009
Offline-ish
I may be offline for a few days, dear readers... There are more than one of you out there, aren't there? Isn't there? Aren't?
My laptop has gone into the local computer shop to be fixed. Right now I'm using LandLady's laptop, but she might need it at any moment...
Actually, she's apparently having another row with the BF and she's headed out to fix his ego again.
Anyway...
I don't know how often I'll be able to get onto the net too often, but on the plus side I might be able to get "How The Dead Live" finished.
My laptop has gone into the local computer shop to be fixed. Right now I'm using LandLady's laptop, but she might need it at any moment...
Actually, she's apparently having another row with the BF and she's headed out to fix his ego again.
Anyway...
I don't know how often I'll be able to get onto the net too often, but on the plus side I might be able to get "How The Dead Live" finished.
Tuesday 10 November 2009
Angry
The screen on my laptop has sudenly stopped working.
Numer 1 son handed it to Wifey. It was OK when it was handed over. I saw her logging on. She was annoyed that she'd had to wait for it as he was working, and even more annoyed that he'd logged of instead of "switch user". She was using the keys pretty damn aggressively. Hitting them hard and cursing under her breath.
Then "Why is the screen off?"
I said I didn't know and sometimes it went blank while logging on.
But soon it was apparent that was not the case. I tried for 10 minutes, then Number 1 came back and tried as well. All through this she sat sullen and sulking because she couldn't go on Facebook.
I pointed out that I will be without email or any contact for my whole week at work when I leave tomorrow if we can't get it fixed. This, it seems, is only a small issue compared to the possible failure of a Farmville crop.
She has gone to bed. I've spent an hour scouring the net for possible solutions, but am going to my local PC fixer tomorrow morning instead of having a chilled out day.
I'm pissed (in the US sense, not the UK sense) as I have been scowled at, have to put myself out, and will have to spend cash for something I didn't do... and she wont admit that there is a possibility that she could have caused the issue. Despite me seeing the screen on when she got it "He must have done something" is all she kept saying.
Numer 1 son handed it to Wifey. It was OK when it was handed over. I saw her logging on. She was annoyed that she'd had to wait for it as he was working, and even more annoyed that he'd logged of instead of "switch user". She was using the keys pretty damn aggressively. Hitting them hard and cursing under her breath.
Then "Why is the screen off?"
I said I didn't know and sometimes it went blank while logging on.
But soon it was apparent that was not the case. I tried for 10 minutes, then Number 1 came back and tried as well. All through this she sat sullen and sulking because she couldn't go on Facebook.
I pointed out that I will be without email or any contact for my whole week at work when I leave tomorrow if we can't get it fixed. This, it seems, is only a small issue compared to the possible failure of a Farmville crop.
She has gone to bed. I've spent an hour scouring the net for possible solutions, but am going to my local PC fixer tomorrow morning instead of having a chilled out day.
I'm pissed (in the US sense, not the UK sense) as I have been scowled at, have to put myself out, and will have to spend cash for something I didn't do... and she wont admit that there is a possibility that she could have caused the issue. Despite me seeing the screen on when she got it "He must have done something" is all she kept saying.
Nothing done...
Very anxious as I've not managed to get any of the things that have been bugging me done.
Its a stupid situation to be in.
I know I should have done them, but I am just so tired.
Weary in my head with a feeling of please just leave me alone I cant deal with you I am out of spare capacity tired please don't bother me there's nothing left for me what else can I do there is nothing more nothing...
So I retreat
hide and hope
hope that next week I have the time
energy
space
calm
Its a stupid situation to be in.
I know I should have done them, but I am just so tired.
Weary in my head with a feeling of please just leave me alone I cant deal with you I am out of spare capacity tired please don't bother me there's nothing left for me what else can I do there is nothing more nothing...
So I retreat
hide and hope
hope that next week I have the time
energy
space
calm
Does it work for you?
I'm playing with the layout, as you may have noticed...
Well - does it work for you? I'm not 100% sure about it myself, so don't be surprised if it changes or vanishes. I'm still new to the idea...
(Thanks LBJ for the tips. Love you!! x)
Well - does it work for you? I'm not 100% sure about it myself, so don't be surprised if it changes or vanishes. I'm still new to the idea...
(Thanks LBJ for the tips. Love you!! x)
Monday 9 November 2009
Stupid things
Working nights
Driving 100 miles
Drinking lots of stimulant drinks
Nearly crashing a mile from home
Scaring myself shitless
Waking up after 3 and a half hours sleep
Being unable to get back to sleep
Friday 6 November 2009
Musical moments.
I like my music. I can't envisage a day without music. I can play a bit. Not much, a bit.
Over the years I've played guitar, violin, piano, sax, clarinet... None of them to a performance standard, but well enough to amuse myself, and occasionally to play with friends well enough to amuse ourselves.
But one particular session sticks in my mind.
I was about 12, I think. It was a Saturday, I think, or possibly a day in the holidays. Mum and siblings were out somewhere. I was in my room. My Dad was in the house somewhere.
Then, rather suddenly, he knocked on my door and came in.
"I'm going to make some music, and I need you to give me a hand" He said, and vanished off down the stairs. He's a bit bi-polar and this was one of his manic times. That said, he's a better player of music than I am.
So with a little trepidation I headed down to see him - I am very shy inside and get very scared about looking silly, and Dad is not above making people look silly for a laugh. There are some things he did to me for amusement that I still cringe at even now thirty or more years later.
I went into the living room to see what he had in mind, and looking around I immediately noticed that his guitar wasn't in the room.
"Errr... What...?" I sort of said.
"We're making 'Experimental' music!!" He said, gleefully.
My blank expression must have been a picture.
"We'll be making music from the stuff in the room!"
I guess I still looked blank.
"You can make music from ANYTHING! Anything at all!! We're going to improvise and record it."
He pointed at the stuff on the table. There was a whole load of stuff spread out. Tea things like a pot, cup, a strainer, its stand, and also there were books, rulers, combs and brushes and my mum's rollers, scissors, and so on and so on...Other than being household items, the thing they had in common was that they could make a distinctive noise.
I was still a bit skeptical, but thought, ah well - might as well!
"Ready?" He said, finger poised over the record button on the early 80's ghetto blaster.
I nodded, and he pressed the button.
He moved quietly over to the table and picked something and stared making a noise with it.
I don't remember exactly what I did but I remember running a comb over the end of the a ruler and using a teaspoon to drum a crescendo on a tiny, stainless steel bowl that rang like a bell.
We spent 15 minutes making rhythmic, percussive music.
Then we listened to it back and agreed it was great.
I found it years later.
I'm not sure it would have given Stravinsky pause for thought, but it still sounded good.
Its still one of my best days.
Over the years I've played guitar, violin, piano, sax, clarinet... None of them to a performance standard, but well enough to amuse myself, and occasionally to play with friends well enough to amuse ourselves.
But one particular session sticks in my mind.
I was about 12, I think. It was a Saturday, I think, or possibly a day in the holidays. Mum and siblings were out somewhere. I was in my room. My Dad was in the house somewhere.
Then, rather suddenly, he knocked on my door and came in.
"I'm going to make some music, and I need you to give me a hand" He said, and vanished off down the stairs. He's a bit bi-polar and this was one of his manic times. That said, he's a better player of music than I am.
So with a little trepidation I headed down to see him - I am very shy inside and get very scared about looking silly, and Dad is not above making people look silly for a laugh. There are some things he did to me for amusement that I still cringe at even now thirty or more years later.
I went into the living room to see what he had in mind, and looking around I immediately noticed that his guitar wasn't in the room.
"Errr... What...?" I sort of said.
"We're making 'Experimental' music!!" He said, gleefully.
My blank expression must have been a picture.
"We'll be making music from the stuff in the room!"
I guess I still looked blank.
"You can make music from ANYTHING! Anything at all!! We're going to improvise and record it."
He pointed at the stuff on the table. There was a whole load of stuff spread out. Tea things like a pot, cup, a strainer, its stand, and also there were books, rulers, combs and brushes and my mum's rollers, scissors, and so on and so on...Other than being household items, the thing they had in common was that they could make a distinctive noise.
I was still a bit skeptical, but thought, ah well - might as well!
"Ready?" He said, finger poised over the record button on the early 80's ghetto blaster.
I nodded, and he pressed the button.
He moved quietly over to the table and picked something and stared making a noise with it.
I don't remember exactly what I did but I remember running a comb over the end of the a ruler and using a teaspoon to drum a crescendo on a tiny, stainless steel bowl that rang like a bell.
We spent 15 minutes making rhythmic, percussive music.
Then we listened to it back and agreed it was great.
I found it years later.
I'm not sure it would have given Stravinsky pause for thought, but it still sounded good.
Its still one of my best days.
Thursday 5 November 2009
up, down and down again.
Love my new phone, and for once I've saved money on both the swanky new handset and on the monthly bill...
And then the people I owe money to decided to start hassling me.
How can a bank, with whom I have had an agreement for some considerable time be allowed to pass the debt on to someone else without any sort of contact to me?
I'll worry about it later.
And now
and at all points inbetween...
of course.
And then the people I owe money to decided to start hassling me.
How can a bank, with whom I have had an agreement for some considerable time be allowed to pass the debt on to someone else without any sort of contact to me?
I'll worry about it later.
And now
and at all points inbetween...
of course.
Tuesday 3 November 2009
Radio Madness
Radcliffe and Maconie.
Bob Dylan's Theme Time Radio Hour.
Desmond Carrington : The Music Goes Around.
Radio 2 can be completely awesome.
I mean, R&M... Where else could you get Joy Division's "Transmission", The Ramones "Rockaway Beach", The Velvelettes "Needle in a Haystack", and the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band's "The Intro and the Outro" on one radio show?
Pure Dead Brilliant.
Bob Dylan's Theme Time Radio Hour.
Desmond Carrington : The Music Goes Around.
Radio 2 can be completely awesome.
I mean, R&M... Where else could you get Joy Division's "Transmission", The Ramones "Rockaway Beach", The Velvelettes "Needle in a Haystack", and the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band's "The Intro and the Outro" on one radio show?
Pure Dead Brilliant.
Monday 2 November 2009
Sunday 1 November 2009
I've done it again...
I got annoyed and cut my nose off, if not exactly to spite my face, then to overreact.
Playing a game online and got annoyed by someone who thought a group called "Jews Need Burn Protection" was really funny. Left the group. Burned a fair few bridges.
Fuck it - why don't I ever react in a considered manner... Too late now.
Playing a game online and got annoyed by someone who thought a group called "Jews Need Burn Protection" was really funny. Left the group. Burned a fair few bridges.
Fuck it - why don't I ever react in a considered manner... Too late now.
But how did you know...I
I fell asleep last night thinking about a friend who I haven't heard from in about 4 months.
This morning she has sent me an email, poked me on Facebook, and sent me a Twitter tweet...
Am I the only one that sort of things happen to?
One night at work last week I pulled my phone out to look at it for the time, thought "LBJ hasn't texted me lately", and then the phone went off... It was a text message from LBJ.
I know its just coincidence, but it freaks me out!
This morning she has sent me an email, poked me on Facebook, and sent me a Twitter tweet...
Am I the only one that sort of things happen to?
One night at work last week I pulled my phone out to look at it for the time, thought "LBJ hasn't texted me lately", and then the phone went off... It was a text message from LBJ.
I know its just coincidence, but it freaks me out!
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