I love my job...

So the boss has been giving everyone time off.
The plant is broken, we've cleaned everything to within an inch of its life, its Xmas, so he's been generous. Which is nice, right?

Well, you'd think, wouldn't you...

He gave Ginger Ninja (who was on nights) most of his shift off as we didn't need that machine running all night. Cool.
I come in a 6am. Start work, sorting things out. Boss arrives at 9am. I see him at about 11am. He tells me Thursday shift is cancelled, the weekend shifts are cancelled, everyone is getting a shift off.
Great.
"Can I leave a little early? an hour or two?" I'm hopeful, surely I can get away early today...
"No, sorry, I can't afford to have that part of the plant shut down today."

Eh? The part that you shut down for 6 hours last night, the part you are shutting all weekend, the part that produces the product we can't find room to store any more? That part can't be shut down for 2 hours today? How does that work?

So I did 32 hours this week. Indian Guy did 20, Ginger Ninja did 6, and Temp guy did no hours... Please note, those are the hours I did - far, far less work was done. In fact, had he let me have 2 hours off, I'd have done more work in 10 hours than I did in 12.
I guess there are way and means for levelling the field.

It seemed a bit crap as I was driving home... That post what I wrote, I mean...

I know it wasn't the worst Xmas ever... But it was for me. My worst Xmas Ever. Because I've been blessed with a series of good Christmases. Nobody ever died, was robbed, or ill, nobody ever had a massive row or... anything. It wasn't dramatic but warm, loving and comfortable. They always went with love, fun, food, drink, and love.

I guess I'm not used to it.

WXE!!

So I wake up on Xmas day... Its cold. Very cold. We've been without heating for 2 years now, and I should be used to it, but I'm not. Wifey is working and we are collecting her at 8:20 for a 3-4 hour run up the lovely British motorway system before lunch with the family, a visit to my mum's nursing home, and a chance of a beer.
Number One Son is not a morning person and snarls at me when I wake him. I wash and dress, he stalks about and decides he needs to iron clothes at 7:55... I'm already stressed at the prospect of driving, visits and a sister who hasn't spoken to me in over a month despite repeated attempts to contact her. Soon he's nearly ready. I ask him to throw me some deodorant that is near him. He does. With force. And he throws it low. The impact doesn't quite leave me doubled up, but its close. The pain is excruciating and he realises not only that he hit me harder than he meant to, but I know he meant to hit me. He scuttles away and stays out of my way.
An errand is run and we arrive about 5 minutes late to collect Wifey.
I needn't have worried. She's nowhere near ready, and though she says she's getting ready, I see no sign of it. A bonus is a kiss, no two kisses, from Pandora, who I fancy greatly...
Eventually we get on the road, at about 8:55... I'm worried about the weather, traffic and everything else.
For once the roads are relatively clear and we arrive without much problem, there are a few slow spots, but mostly its OK.

Except that Dad isn't there. He's gone to younger sisters. We run over, coffee and bacon sandwiches, shaking hands, kisses all round, cooing over the baby... Dad vanishes off to see mum. We arrange to swap cars. Dad's pretty wound up, even for him. He's not going to blow, but I can't see him making it through the day intact.
We dive home to change shower, unload the car, sort the pressies. And just as we are about to leave he comes in. "We're going to see mum, we are eating at 3pm, so we'll be back at 2pm. OK? Be ready and we can get straight off." I say - its a simple plan, what can go wrong?
Nothing from our end. I see my mum, its awful and upsetting, but she seems fine. I go to get some cash... I'm about £150 down on where I think I should be. Fuck. My stomach is flipping. Well - nothing I can do now. I get cash from another stash and we are off again. We arrive back at Dad's place. "I'm meditating. I wont be long."
So its Xmas day, I'm dying for a pint and something to eat, we're supposed to be arriving at 2:15 to walk up to the restaurant... instead I'm sat in a front room, stressing, the telly isn't working, and it's 2:40.
Five minutes later we are moving again. Straight to the restaurant, skip the family walk, no time. No chance of an early beer. In the restaurant they are really nice. Tell me I can leave the car, where to lock it... and supply beer and food. At last and at least I can start my Xmas.
Except that Dad decides to have a panic attack in the middle of dinner and leaves. The full horror hits us a bit later, when we realise he hasn't paid the bill, like he said he was going to. The little cash I have takes a pasting. (I later find out we should have called him, he was going to pay over the phone, but brother-in-law said that wasn't the case and convinced us we'd have to pay. I'm pretty annoyed, because we are the only ones who couldn't afford the food -the others are OK for cash... Fuck it. Too late now.) The food is OK. Annoying sister talks to me, mostly. We leave feeling better.
Back to my sister's house for swapping of presents, which all goes OK.
Well - it goes OK until my present from Wifey is handed to me.
I'm stunned as I open it. 2 Tickets, Royal Albert Hall, Cirque de Solei, January... "Its that weekend I told you to book!" she squeals with delight.
I say the only thing I could say... "I tried. I can't get that weekend off. Someone else is on holiday." I feel like the earth has opened up and I'm falling.
"I thought you got it sorted" She says.
"I told you I tried, but it was taken" I reply. I want to cry. Its a lovely present. And an expensive one. Nearly £200. And its useless.
"Just throw a sickie" someone suggests, helpfully.
"I'm on a warning for attendance, I'll get fired." I mutter.

Its about now that Dad has another panic attack and heads home, leaving us with Baby Sister. Middle sister, the annoying one, leaves a few minutes after Dad decides to go.
We have a few more beers then Bro-in-Law decides he wants to watch a film. He goes on about it so much that we give in. And, of course, its crap. I mean, really crap. Another 2 hours of my life I don't get back.

We order a taxi and go home.

All this time I feel sick as a dog. Not physically, but emotionally. The falling feeling that started when I saw the tickets hasn't gone away. I can't even look Wifey in the eye. I want to leave, but thankfully I'm too drunk to drive.

I know its all minor irritations, in reality, but it was the Worst Xmas Ever.

Xmas wishes

I hope you have a good Xmas. Wherever and whatever that entails for you.

Aftermath...

Went out last night with Landlady, BF and Tigerman. Was a bit worried about getting very drunk, as they are far heavier drinkers than I am these days.
I needn't have worried...

We met in a pub in the city that has recently been refurbished. It's absolutely fantastic. Real fire, great beer, comfy, modern yet reassuringly old fashioned... Just my sort of place!
Then we went to the curry restaurant. It was a buffet and I didn't have great hopes for it, the quality is usually not up to much as they are trying to provide a range of food for not much money.
The food, however, was excellent, the waiters were attentive without being overbearing and it was a completely excellent experience. I was worried when cocktails made an appearance, but I managed to hold my nerve and only have one, and I deliberately went for one I wasn't going to glug down in seconds flat.
After the meal we stopped in at another pub for a "swift gin", although I drank some scotch. Met some new people, and felt fairly happy with my input, as I can sometimes get a bit OTT when I meet new people.
Finally home for a contentedly full slump in front of the telly and a nice sleep...

Makes a change!

Daylight.

I've been working nights, and have finished with them for the moment.
Until Early January, at least... I am absolutely strung out after the shift, and feel exhausted.
To cope with this, tonight, I am going to eat curry and have a beer...

And Now... I intend to have a bath, and listen to the footy on the radio...

Its not getting any better, is it?

Its just Loom Loom Loom... Bode Bode Bode...

Zgirl sent me a message when I was in a bad way the other day, I was trying to be nice, so said something like "Im not in a good place, very down, I'll only be nasty if we talk tonight..." simply because I just couldn't be fun.
Next day I was still bad, but better and asked how she was. And I realised what a gap there is between her and me from a cultural point.
All she could say to me was "Why do you get down? Just don't worry about things and it will be ok."
I tried to explain in a message, but she just doesn't get it. Depression is so far outside of her experience it just doesn't register on the radar. To her I, have it made. How could i possibly be sad? Why am I not happy all the time? It is a simple thing to be happy, don't worry and all will be well...
I guess the world is a simpler place to her. Probably for the better...

I really don't feel like a nice person today. Bought Xmas presents, made food, spent time, sorted money issues... Feel like a total bastard, and have all day.
I don't think I've done anything to deserve this, any more than any other day - but the feeling still remains.

Maybe it will be better tomorrow.

Its been a tough week at work, hence the lack of posts... That and little to say!

Normal service, i.e. whining, moaning, general fed-upness will return shortly.

Sometimes the sun breaks through...

A friend I haven't heard from in over 10 years got in touch this evening.
She was the first person on my college course that I spoke to. Because we were on the same open day and got chatting.
Its been a long time, but I am so completely happy to have heard from her, its almost embarrassing.

Dreams, funny blighters...

I woke up this morning with a big grin on my face. I'd been so happy in my dream.
Mainly, and please remember that this is a dream, because I'd had MS.
As far as I can recall my dream was that I was diagnosed with and gone through, what my dream told me were, the stages of MS. I was pleased as punch with this. I'd driven around to see all my friends to tell them, and had had an uproariously good laugh at their reactions. Then I went home to be sicker and sicker and wait for death.
So why was I so happy about it? I dunno - but I was.

I suppose I could pop-psych it about ending situations and stuff, but I prefer it just to be a really weird dream about what it was about.

Deep breaths.

A lot of that going on at the moment.
Can't get my head straight - I know, its a recurring motif...
I'm also struggling with motivation at the moment, so blog posts are a trifle difficult to get round to composing any posts that don't just bleat about one thing or another. So I've not published any, because they aren't fun to write, and they are less fun to read.

With Xmas looming, and it is looming, my mood is only going to struggle further. I'm working a lot over the period, and I'd much rather not be working at all. And also, its going to be the first Xmas with Mum in the home, and not with us. Only 3 years ago she cooked the dinner, with a bit (lot) of help Wifey, now she can't remember where she left her teeth. Its not without its moments, writing that just made me laugh (somewhat uncomfortably, but I laughed at the ridiculous surreality of the situation, nonetheless.)
Looks like an Xmas dinner at a curry house for the family this year. Nobody wants to make dinner, and nobody wants to be at Dad's without Mum. At least it will be a novel experience.
It will be only the 5th places I've eaten a dinner on Xmas day. The others being My parents house, my grandparents, my own dwelling, and my sister in laws house, just the one time when Wifey was working Xmas day.

I wonder what next year will bring?

Busy time at work.
Tiring, but, for once, and I can scarcely believe I'm saying this, it wasn't too bad at work. The plant behaved, the boss wasn't bothering me too much, I got stuff done without too much hassle...

At home, Wifey was... rather cold an distant both emotionally and physically (She spent one whole day out with her mates.)
The illness she's been suffering from is still no closer to being diagnosed, and in fact, another blood test was needed. So I had to go with her to the doctors to get it done. Apparently there was some sort of technical issue with the sample.
After that, on to her friends for an afternoon of chat and amusement. Except that I have begun to find Farah boring and Sam annoyingly dull... So I sat, smiled, nodded, listened to the same stories we always recite, chipped in a comment and story when it was expected.
God I was glad to get out of there.
Oddly enough, the headache and swoons were not in anyway evident while with Farah and Sam. Despite several near collapses during the visit to the doctors, a walk round town and a bit of Tesco shopping... I know, I'm a total bastard. But I'm out of sympathy.

Got a call from work that I was needed at 6am tomorrow morning, so drove up to the digs this evening.

Now I'm chilling with a bit of crap on the telly, a bit of chocolate and a drop of malt...

Shame

I am feeling ashamed.
Work wasn't too bad today, but I still feel pretty crappy, and have done since before the weekend. So I did a shameful thing. Two things, really.
First I paid for it, then I started to enjoy it...

I can't afford this. I shouldn't be drinking it.

Its Delicious.

Weekend

Well... That was a weekend and a half. Well, It was 2 days of the week and the a Saturday!

As I said - I got home mid-afternoon on Wednesday, somewhat stunned and a bit light headed. And spent the rest of the day trying to get myself back on an even keel. Thursday I managed to do nothing of any use, and spent the whole day in a very black mood, trying to raise myself above the level of pond-scum... no, that's not true, more like the green slime at the bottom of the pond that the snails wont eat.
But in the end I took Wifey for a meal at a local pub. Was pleasant enough, but I wasn't in the mood. I just felt like screaming. I ended up drinking 2 pints with the meal, which I really shouldn't have as I was driving. Did manage to nick a very nice pint glass though.
Friday, I went to visit the college friends.
Drove down and met up with the New Parents. Made the appropriate cooing noises over the baby... who was pretty cute, but then he only has one job, and that's to look cute...
Lunch was nice and fuelled with coffee, dinner with Ikea Couple was very booze fuelled. Glad to say no hangover this morning... was really worried that there would be, but I slept well, and woke at a civilised late hour.
Popped over to see Ma and Pa (http://confused40s.blogspot.com/2009/07/you-try-not-to-become-your-parents-but.html) And had a nice chat...

Trouble was that from the moment I arrived at New Parents house I wanted to get the FUCK out of there... All the way through the dinner I made all the appropriate noises, joined in, but I wanted to run. One of the reasons I drank as much as I did was to make sure I didn't get in the car and Get The FUCK out of there.
The last thing I did was to not do something. I was going to visit Zgirl but she was working until late in the afternoon, I made an excuse to avoid going over. She wasn't happy. Several messages on my phone this afternoon as a result.

And so to bed... oh damn, got to unload the washing machine... and then to... oh no, better make some food for work tomorrow... and so to... Ah, who am I kidding???

Paralysis.

I feel paralysed by my situation. Situations.
I know that if I get started I will feel better, but I can't. I just can't get past it.
There's a terror inside the action of starting that seems to outweigh the terror I have for doing nothing.
So here I am sitting in a darkened room, listening to the wind outside and doing nothing other than waste time on the net. That and feel terrible.

I'm going away tomorrow. Going down to see some of my old college mates and have some "me time" - a phrase I hate, but I can't think of a better one for the selfish use of time that could be spent more productively, but wont be used for anything other than ducking issues.

Wifey is still in bed. She's tired after cooking a meal yesterday. And having a blood test.
She couldn't use her left arm at all last night as a result of the blood being taken. She carried it as if it was in a sling, complained vociferously as she dished up the food, and couldn't hold a fork because of it... I just wanted to scream at her "It doesn't hurt that much!" I can't find it cute or have any sympathy any more. I just get irritated.

I'm know I'm moaning, but I don't know how else to cope with it, other than to say (or type) it outloud.

Oh - things I alluded to in an earlier post...
Yankee Boy ended up in hospital this week. Thought he had a bit of upset guts, had his appendix out instead. American Mom (His wife, not his mum) was in a state, it was her first day back at work after a major operation... which was kind of amusing for me. I was worried for him, perhaps more than I would have been as it happened on a very black day for me. But he is fine, apparently. He even called me in the middle of my night shift to let me know he was home and was OK, and we chatted for the first time in several months... nearly a year, actually.
That was one of the week's high points.

Lastly, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for LBJ.
I'd pray for good news if there was a god, but there isn't.
I'd send karma if I thought mine would help.
So, instead, I'm just crossing my fingers for her... which, you should realise, means this blog post is a miracle of manual and mental dexterity. YOU try typing with crossed fingers!!!

Time to sleep...

I'm very tired after a run of night shifts. A short post before I finally fall asleep.

The plant was a nightmare. I got covered in several unpleasant substances.
I'm sick of the boss - even more so than usual.

OK - That's it... shorter than I thought, but all I can manage for now.
Story of best friend/hospital, phone calls etc will have to wait until later.

Too Many Roads...

Lots of driving this weekend.
Lots of coffee.
Not much sleep.
Lots of stress.
Am currently at home and have a short while to myself...

So... my niece was christened. I read something from the bible - which was just a bunch of words, but everyone said was lovely. Then to a pub afterwards - "no beer, I'm driving, thanks" was the order of business. Met other sisters new boyfriend, who seems normal, which is odd - knowing her.
Saw some people I haven't seen or a while, but it was all a bit too much (too many people, not enough room, skittish father making me nervous) and I started with a panic attack, so I got out and went for a short walk. Cleared my head before it all got too much.
Then went to the home to visit my mum who is OK, rambling as usual, and has lost her teeth (best not to think about who might have them!) but is OK. It was less stressful than I thought it was going to be, actually, but still not the way it should be.

Drive back was as much of a joy as the British motorway system usually is. Psycho truckers, roadworks, assholes and general lack of awareness... that, and general tiredness, meant too much coffee and no food. So the last 20 miles were characterised by a racing heart, nausea, and general feelings of unwellness... We grabbed a takeaway near home and I feel better for having eaten.

I am almost looking forward to work tomorrow... Almost... bah - who am I kidding?

Working nights really doesn't suit me... Have a stinking headache, feel nauseous and I have a hugely busy weekend ahead. Lots of driving... but first, another nights work to do.

They say the secret of great comedy is timing.
So its probably funny that I took this job just as the world economy died on its arse.
And it may be funny that I made a decision the other day, and then it was thrown into doubt just 2 hours later.

I decided to look for a way and a opportunity to end my relationship with my wife.
I'm going to try to be as non-cruel about it as possible and find a way that we can split 'gently'.
I doubt its possible, but one has to try.

Then I spoke to her on the phone.
"I've booked in to see the doctor on Monday." Oh, I thought I knew you were taking a sickie at the weekend, but this seems a little over dramatic...
"I have had a headache for about a month, and I passed out while getting dressed this morning... And I keep going dizzy."
Immediately I feel panicky, worried, how will I cope without her if its something serious...
Maybe I haven't made that decision at all.

Is it possible?

Insomnia and narcolepsy are the only way I can describe my current sleep pattern.
I wanted to stay awake until late last night as I'm working 12 hours tonight.
So naturally I fell asleep in the chair.
I woke about 40 minutes later, and had a coffee - that should work, will be up for ages now.
I woke up 45 minutes later.
But I felt refreshed and decided some net surfing was the best idea.
I woke up 20 minutes later.
Reading didn't go any better.
I turned the light off and went to sleep.
7am the insomnia struck.
I've been yawning all day, and feel very tired, but there seems no prospect of going back to sleep.

My head isn't a nice place to be today.
Hence I decided not to post anything until it clears a little.

Am dreading work, lots of driving at the weekend and the possibility of seeing my mum and meeting my dad's girlfriend in the same weekend... I only hope I can get through it.

Back.

So the laptop is fixed, I've changed all my passwords... Not that I don't trust my local PC fixer, but I don't trust them... and while I've been away a lot has changed.
Belle De Jour is no longer anonymous - which is, in many ways, a shame. There's a new guy at work. Edward Woodward has died.

Will think of something interesting to write soon... I hope.

Offline-ish

I may be offline for a few days, dear readers... There are more than one of you out there, aren't there? Isn't there? Aren't?
My laptop has gone into the local computer shop to be fixed. Right now I'm using LandLady's laptop, but she might need it at any moment...

Actually, she's apparently having another row with the BF and she's headed out to fix his ego again.

Anyway...
I don't know how often I'll be able to get onto the net too often, but on the plus side I might be able to get "How The Dead Live" finished.

Angry

The screen on my laptop has sudenly stopped working.
Numer 1 son handed it to Wifey. It was OK when it was handed over. I saw her logging on. She was annoyed that she'd had to wait for it as he was working, and even more annoyed that he'd logged of instead of "switch user". She was using the keys pretty damn aggressively. Hitting them hard and cursing under her breath.
Then "Why is the screen off?"
I said I didn't know and sometimes it went blank while logging on.
But soon it was apparent that was not the case. I tried for 10 minutes, then Number 1 came back and tried as well. All through this she sat sullen and sulking because she couldn't go on Facebook.
I pointed out that I will be without email or any contact for my whole week at work when I leave tomorrow if we can't get it fixed. This, it seems, is only a small issue compared to the possible failure of a Farmville crop.
She has gone to bed. I've spent an hour scouring the net for possible solutions, but am going to my local PC fixer tomorrow morning instead of having a chilled out day.

I'm pissed (in the US sense, not the UK sense) as I have been scowled at, have to put myself out, and will have to spend cash for something I didn't do... and she wont admit that there is a possibility that she could have caused the issue. Despite me seeing the screen on when she got it "He must have done something" is all she kept saying.

Nothing done...

Very anxious as I've not managed to get any of the things that have been bugging me done.
Its a stupid situation to be in.
I know I should have done them, but I am just so tired.
Weary in my head with a feeling of please just leave me alone I cant deal with you I am out of spare capacity tired please don't bother me there's nothing left for me what else can I do there is nothing more nothing...

So I retreat
hide and hope
hope that next week I have the time
energy
space
calm

Does it work for you?

I'm playing with the layout, as you may have noticed...

Well - does it work for you? I'm not 100% sure about it myself, so don't be surprised if it changes or vanishes. I'm still new to the idea...
(Thanks LBJ for the tips. Love you!! x)

Stupid things

Working nights
Driving 100 miles
Drinking lots of stimulant drinks
Nearly crashing a mile from home
Scaring myself shitless
Waking up after 3 and a half hours sleep
Being unable to get back to sleep

Musical moments.

I like my music. I can't envisage a day without music. I can play a bit. Not much, a bit.
Over the years I've played guitar, violin, piano, sax, clarinet... None of them to a performance standard, but well enough to amuse myself, and occasionally to play with friends well enough to amuse ourselves.

But one particular session sticks in my mind.

I was about 12, I think. It was a Saturday, I think, or possibly a day in the holidays. Mum and siblings were out somewhere. I was in my room. My Dad was in the house somewhere.
Then, rather suddenly, he knocked on my door and came in.
"I'm going to make some music, and I need you to give me a hand" He said, and vanished off down the stairs. He's a bit bi-polar and this was one of his manic times. That said, he's a better player of music than I am.
So with a little trepidation I headed down to see him - I am very shy inside and get very scared about looking silly, and Dad is not above making people look silly for a laugh. There are some things he did to me for amusement that I still cringe at even now thirty or more years later.
I went into the living room to see what he had in mind, and looking around I immediately noticed that his guitar wasn't in the room.
"Errr... What...?" I sort of said.
"We're making 'Experimental' music!!" He said, gleefully.
My blank expression must have been a picture.
"We'll be making music from the stuff in the room!"
I guess I still looked blank.
"You can make music from ANYTHING! Anything at all!! We're going to improvise and record it."
He pointed at the stuff on the table. There was a whole load of stuff spread out. Tea things like a pot, cup, a strainer, its stand, and also there were books, rulers, combs and brushes and my mum's rollers, scissors, and so on and so on...Other than being household items, the thing they had in common was that they could make a distinctive noise.
I was still a bit skeptical, but thought, ah well - might as well!
"Ready?" He said, finger poised over the record button on the early 80's ghetto blaster.
I nodded, and he pressed the button.
He moved quietly over to the table and picked something and stared making a noise with it.
I don't remember exactly what I did but I remember running a comb over the end of the a ruler and using a teaspoon to drum a crescendo on a tiny, stainless steel bowl that rang like a bell.
We spent 15 minutes making rhythmic, percussive music.
Then we listened to it back and agreed it was great.

I found it years later.
I'm not sure it would have given Stravinsky pause for thought, but it still sounded good.

Its still one of my best days.

up, down and down again.

Love my new phone, and for once I've saved money on both the swanky new handset and on the monthly bill...
And then the people I owe money to decided to start hassling me.
How can a bank, with whom I have had an agreement for some considerable time be allowed to pass the debt on to someone else without any sort of contact to me?
I'll worry about it later.

And now


and at all points inbetween...


of course.

Radio Madness

Radcliffe and Maconie.
Bob Dylan's Theme Time Radio Hour.
Desmond Carrington : The Music Goes Around.

Radio 2 can be completely awesome.

I mean, R&M... Where else could you get Joy Division's "Transmission", The Ramones "Rockaway Beach", The Velvelettes "Needle in a Haystack", and the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band's "The Intro and the Outro" on one radio show?

Pure Dead Brilliant.

tired
fed up
aching

hurry on sundown... see what tomorrow brings...

I've done it again...

I got annoyed and cut my nose off, if not exactly to spite my face, then to overreact.

Playing a game online and got annoyed by someone who thought a group called "Jews Need Burn Protection" was really funny. Left the group. Burned a fair few bridges.

Fuck it - why don't I ever react in a considered manner... Too late now.

But how did you know...I

I fell asleep last night thinking about a friend who I haven't heard from in about 4 months.
This morning she has sent me an email, poked me on Facebook, and sent me a Twitter tweet...

Am I the only one that sort of things happen to?
One night at work last week I pulled my phone out to look at it for the time, thought "LBJ hasn't texted me lately", and then the phone went off... It was a text message from LBJ.

I know its just coincidence, but it freaks me out!

I didn't get any sleep that night, obviously. I was wilting at 8pm, and decided 9:30 would be the perfect time to sleep... by which time I had my second wind and was up until 1:30. The alarm at 4:45 was, oh, so welcome.
I managed to get through the working day, and get home - aided by 2 stops to stretch legs, and 3 cans of Red Bull Cola.

I'm still knackered now.

But the car cost £40 less to fix than they told me it would! How's about that for a result?
Mustn't Grumble!

Coffee, sleep and bum calls...

Its funny what you discover.
One day last week I discovered I prefer black coffee to white. Funny that about a year ago I was drinking lattes... And I don't mean I prefer it, really, I mean I LOVE black coffee. I can't believe I've been drinking it white all these years!
Maybe I should cut down on the coffee...

But if I cut down on the coffee I'd be asleep in no time. I've had about 4 hours sleep in the last 38 hours... and I'm working a day shift tomorrow. So I need an early night, and I can't sleep now, much as I want to, or I'll be up all night. Argh!
Damn my boss and his stupid shift pattern!!
Fuck, I'm tired.

When I woke from my short sleep there was a missed call from LBJ on my phone. It's rare for her to call me, so it meant there was something up, or something she needed to know. So I called her.
She answered and even though I was somewhat befuddled, I could tell she was confused to be called by me.
"You called me this morning." I said.
"No, I didn't" she said, "Not on purpose, anyway..."
Ah... that was it.
A bum call.
She'd sat on her phone, or put something on it in her bag, or something... Silly girl.
It was nice to hear her voice for the first time since August though.

Went to a quiz last night. Had a terrible pint of bitter.
Possible why I feel so incredibly terrible today...
Went for a walk in the city to try to cheer myself up. Place is packed out with kids on half term.
Pretty girl in the charity bookshop said hello. Not enough to cheer me up though.


Normal service has been resumed. Sorry about that.

Dangling Conversation.

I was heading into work. And for some reason the traffic was insane. It took me nearly an hour to travel 5 miles.
So, while I was sat in the queue I called home.
I have been worried about a few things, and there is now the possibility of either identity theft, mistaken identity or even fraud as a bloke turned up at the door saying we'd bought a large amount of home improvements and owed a fortune to him. More stress. Great.
We were discussing this and Wifey said "Well, I'm not bothered, you can call the number when you get home and sort it out then" Great, I thought.
"Oh, can I? Gee, thanks!" I replied.
There was a few moments on consternation from her end of the line as she seemed to be wondering why I wouldn't be overjoyed at this opportunity of a lifetime with which I'd been honoured.
I decided to move on, skating over this particular thin ice.
"Have you contacted the DVLA?" A car tax application has gone walkabout.
"No, I forgot." How one forgets something that one has been looking for for two weeks, I'm not sure...
"How about the mortgage payment, did you get that sorted?"
"No, I forgot."
"Or the Water bill you said you were sorting?"
"No, I forgot."
A pattern was starting to emerge. And a sense of "WTF!!" anger was building in me.
"Look," I said, "I know I'm not much better, but this is getting silly. I can't do everything!"
There was silence on the other end of the line. The cars edged forward a few feet.
"You need to help me with this stuff, Wifey. I'm not around to do it, and when I am, I haven't got time to do it all."
More silence, but this is her standard response to any confrontation. Say absolutely nothing until the other person (me) gives up and goes away.
I continued.
"Everything is starting to circle the drain, Wifey, and if we are not very careful it will be too late, it may already be too late."
There was more silence.
Then I heard myself saying something that has been close to the surface for a long, long time.
"And I mean everything. The house, the car, the debts and this marriage."
Its odd that even though there was still silence on the phone, there was a difference in that silence. She's started listening very carefully, I thought.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to say it like that, but I did mean what I said." I told her.
"Oh." At last a response.
"It's not the best way to discuss it"
"Well, I was thinking that." She said.
The traffic suddenly started to move. I told her (its OK I was "handsfree") that we'd talk later and that I'd call her when I took my break.

We aren't divorced yet, in fact its all been very cordial.
Maybe there's another conversation to be dangled.

I don't like working night shifts.
I don't like working.
I don't...
I...

I feel awful.

Had a poor few days off. Number 1 Son got a prize at school prize-giving night, which was nice, but a massive panic attack after dropping car off for MOT and ending up hiding in Sainsbury's toilets crying was not dignified. Thankfully the MOT fail was about £300 less than I was expecting. So I guess that's a win...

I wonder why my body clock refuses to get in tune with my shift pattern.

I am on lates and nights for most of the next week, so naturally I'm falling asleep at 9:30 and waking up at 3, 4 or 5am (3:15 today.) This, naturally, makes me antsy, anxious, nervy and generally fed-up - yes, even more than usual.
Normally I'd stay in bed and read, or surf the net, and try to get some more sleep - but I'm home and I can't do that when Wifey is asleep in the bed.

So I'm in the living room with Radio2 on, and a cup of tea in my new companion (very reasonable at £1.29 from Dunelm!) There is something satisfying about a pure white mug of a good size... So I guess its not all bad.

Disaster

There was a disaster this morning.

I've lost an old friend, a trusted companion, the one I could rely on every morning, afternoon and evening.

All it took was the briefest ofimpacts, so slight it was barely noticed. The noise of it was almost unheard, drowned out by a whisper of running water... It was only when the liquid pooled at his feet that I realised it was too late to save him.

You dont find a cup that perfect every day. Just the perfect size. Not too big that I'd end up throwing tea away, not too small that I was left unsatisfied and had to make another cup that wasn't as good, and left me overfaced... So its off to Debenhams I go.

Spoke too soon...

Very disturbed night last night, woke up tense and antsy... Haven't managed to shake it off at all today.
Bugger.

And I'm getting a bit pissed of with GN blaming me when he screws up. 4 times this week - and I only worked with him 3 days.
Moan bitch whinge...

This is post 101 by the way... I'll try to make 102 interesting in some way.

It's not "happy"... but it might be level.

I seem to be on a reasonably even keel at the moment. Most of this last week.
Hence the lack of angst ridden posts... Friends have been in good form too. Moving house having families sending me jokes... all of which have made the week pass in a reasonable fashion.
I went out last night too.
A woman at work has been made redundant - its a small workforce, so it was only one woman from the office staff - and we went for a drink with her last night.
I had to drive out there, so drinking was a no-no. Also I was working at 6am, and I'm a lightweight these days - And they say Prozac's side-effects are small!!!
So I went along, had a shandy, chatted for a bit, promised to keep in touch, and then before I knew it I had an agoraphobia attack. I just had to get out of there and fast. So I did. I was in bed at 10 and asleep before 11.

I intend to read tonight.
Read, listen to the radio, and that's it.

I should write out the work stuff that upset me, but I'm still feeling upset and foolish and so... I need to distance myself a bit. Don't worry, its nothing major, but I spent several hours in a state of panic because of it.

So...

Reading, radio and a bit of Internet scrabble...

I was, naturally, reunited with the items I'd lost. Happened too late in the day to get anything done though.

Today Wifey and I went for lunch at a nice country pub. Sausage and Mash with a bit of black pudding and nice gravy. Shame the black pudding was in batter, and the batter actually overpowered the black pudding inside it. But otherwise it was a lovely meal.

And now I'm back in my digs. Reasonable drive up, no stress, I was smiling most of the way up listening to Radio4.

Sorry I haven't got anything more interesting to tell you...

A simple misplaced item has ruined my only proper day off this week.
I can't find my wallet, or my keys or my phone - so three items, really. Well more if you count each key separately... Hmmm - back up a little. Keys are a singular thing for the purpose of this discussion/neurotic freakout.

SO! 3 things have gone missing.
The place is a mess. They've fallen down someplace and I can't see them. But as Wifey is on a week of nights I can't search the room.
So I'm stuck here.
No food to speak of in the house.
No tea.
No way of getting the car to the MOT testing place.
No way of calling anyone to chat to relieve the boredom.
I'm hungry, pissed off, and my brain is beating the rest of me up so hard until the inside of my skull is black and blue and looks like an abattoir...
I want to cry, but I can't.
I want to be anywhere else, but I can't be.
I wish so many things were other than they are, but they are as they are.

Maybe in a few days I'll look at this post again and I'll remind myself that my worries, anxieties, panics are so fleeting it is stupid to have them at all. That does happen a fair bit. But right at this moment all I can see is me being unable to find wallet, keys or phone and being fired as I can't get back to work without a minimum of 2 from 3.

Bollocks.

coughcoughcough...coughcoughcough...coughcoughcough...coughcoughcough...
coughcoughcough...coughcoughcough...coughcoughcough...coughcoughcough...

That's why I'm up so early.

On the plus side I found Bad Touch and The Ballad of Chasey Laine by the Bloodhound Gang on Spotify.

Tired again

I'm tired again.
I did a night shift last night, and while it went smooothly, it was a long, long night.
Hard work, but no major issues and I was feeling OK as I headed to the car to go back to the digs at about 5:30. I reckoned I could probably drive home, so I decided to go in, grab my gear and hit the road, probably getting in at about 7...
The swerving, erratic driving, the blank spot where I couldn't remember driving into the city all persuaded me not to do that, but to go to bed instead. Tipping porridge on myself was the clincher.

I resurrected myself just before 1pm and headed down here.

I'm cold, full of cold, and knackered. Yay!

Haven't had a "made my day" moment for a few days, either. Bunch of Arse!

Scared

Well, its been a long day.
Up early, 12hrs of work, though my mate came in early to take over so I could go and watch the game, a few beers watching the game go badly wrong, then eventually to bed at about 11:40.
Then it all went wrong. And for once, not by my hand, but I'm still scared and shaking here as I'm writing.

About 12:00 there was a noise. Someone knocking on the door. Knocking insistently.
It was Landlady's boyfriend. He's been drinking all day and she'd left him to it, apparently. Trouble is he has a habit of knocking on the door when he's had a few. But it didn't disturb me too much and I rolled over to go back to sleep.
The next thing I know is I can hear someone coming in through the back door of the house. For a moment I panicked, then thought, "oh crap, its the BF coming in - they'll be shagging upstairs..."
I hear him go up past my room, and to the room above. I can hear voices, but not what's being said. Then I can hear whats being said in way too much detail for my liking. He's ranting at her for what I'm not exactly sure, but he's shouting and swearing and stomping about. Then he stamps down the stairs, slams her bedroom door and stamps down past my room shouting something about getting nothing out of the relationship and he does everything she wants all the time... A bit rich considering I know he's been out with his mates all day.
But at least its over... right?
Wrong.
After about another 5 minutes there's a crash from downstairs - whether he's crashed into something drunk or deliberately broken something, I don't know, and I'm not going to find out. I do decide to reach out of the bed very quietly and get a t-shirt and trousers on, as I'm now frightened and concerned I will become the target for his very considerable rage.
There is more stomping up, and down, stairs. More swearing at her. More accusations of horrible treatment of him due to not answering a text message or call immediately, at least this is the gist of the row, I think. By now I have put ear plugs in and am lying in the dark with my adrenaline levels going through the roof. I'm expecting the door to my room to fly off the hinges at any second and I'll be attacked. He's escallated his shouting and the ear plugs are no longer stopping the noise he's creating.
He's stomped down the stairs again and this time, I think, he's gone.
It's gone quiet at any rate, which is sort of an improvement, but I'm waiting for it to kick off again.
Thankfully it doesn't, but I hear LL get up and go down to the kitchen. Then there is the aroma of a cigarette, so I know she's stressed as she doesn't smoke in the house unless she's in a state.
And finally, a few moments ago, I hear her leave the house very quietly. Presumably going to his place, a few doors down the road, to make up, or row more. So long as I can't hear them - I don't care much which it is at this moment.

The guy scares me. Not because I think I couldn't hold my own against him, but because he seems to be on the edge of violence, especially against LL, so very often. Everyone rows with a partner, and shouting and things happen - but these rows, and I've seen about 5 since I've been renting this room, are getting scarier. He nearly lost his job after getting into a physical fight with his boss earlier this year while on a night out, but it was decided it was "not related to work" so no action was taken.

Perhaps I'm just getting older and softer, but I'm starting to wish I had somewhere else to stay.
Either way, it's 1:30 now and I don't think I'll be able to sleep for a while yet.

Questions.

Why did I have an appaling hangover after only one beer last night? (it arrived after I'd written this morning's post, when I got up and stuck with me until after 2pm!)
Will I ever get a job I like?
Will I be able to sort my marriage?
What happens if I don't?
Does anyone read this?
Does it matter if they don't?

Fatigue

I'm working 12 hour days, 50+ hour weeks and that sort of thing at the moment, so I'm exhausted.
I got in last night, ate, had a bottle of Duvel and tried to read. After an hour I had managed 1 page.
I gave up, called Wifey to say goodnight and turned the light off.
I was asleep in seconds.
Somewhere about 2am I woke up to turn the radio off and went straight back to sleep. 4:30 woke me to let me know the toilet was free, so I availed myself and now the alarm is going off every 5 minutes to remind me that another 12 hours is waiting for me at work...
I not only hate being so tired I can't begin to function once I get home from work, but I hate the fact that I'm being messed about. I can't go home on Saturday when I finish, because I'm working on Sunday night. Just one night shift, but I can't afford the petrol to go home Saturday, back Sunday and home again Monday... So I have 24 hours in my digs which will bore me rigid and I can't see the family.
Ah sod it - I have to go...

The family thing is sorted, I think. Had a long chat with my dad today.
But it has worn my mind out. I'm aching inside for no good reason other than my family often wear me out.

Families... who'd have em?

My sister has an issue with our dad having a relationship with someone other than our mum, now that mum is in advanced stages of Alzheimer's disease and is in a care home.

I don't have an issue with it.

Mind, she also has an issue with pretty much everyone, over almost anything... She always has been an argumentative, and often deeply nasty person. She's also one of the funniest and kindest people I've ever met... funny old world, eh?

The thing with my dad is too complex to go into at the moment.
Suffice to say that I think he can do what he wants, so long as he's careful, safe, and doesn't leave everything to her in his will (I'm not that mercenary - really) its none of my, or anyone elses business. He just needs to be a bit more diplomatic at times... from what I've gathered tonight.

Today, nothing has made my day, sadly.
Fingers crossed for tomorrow.

Early start again - I wish my insomnia was at the start, not the end, of the night's sleep. Not sure why I think that would be better, but it seems like it would.

Had to make myself scarce today as Wifey was between nights, so I decided to go into town to do something... but I wasn't sure what. I had to go and tell the Blood Transfusion Service that Number 1 Son has a stinking cold, so wouldn't be coming.
While I was there I donated in his place. Well - obviously I re-registered myself, but I took his turn. Felt really smug, if a little light headed this afternoon.

Insomnia

Up at 5am.

I fell asleep playing my game last night. Was woken up by the guys in the group making a racket to wake me up... still giggling about it now. At least they all thought it was funny too.
Think I will have to go for a sleep this afternoon.

Have just realised that not only is it Sunday, but also realised that I am not working tomorrow... or the day after that.
Doesn't seem too bad a day, now. I mean, I still need to find £25-30 000 to fund son at a university, another £15 000 to pay off my debts, and find the time and ways sort out my life, my marriage and find a job I can be content in (I'll settle for content, as happy seems unrealistic.)
But I'm not working for the next 2 days!

It was fun - but I'm absolutely knackered, feel very, very old, and need to think...

Dammit I feel crap this morning.
I think the rejection finally hit me at about 4:30am and so my brain woke me up to tell me...
Tried to get back to sleep for a while before giving it up as a bad job and playing on Facebook.

None of which is ideal prep for a day of driving a carload of teenagers to university towns.
Might be fun though... right?

Why doesn't right feel good?

I was right.
I didn't get the job.
I thought being right was supposed to feel better than this though...

Ginger Ninja was a completely hyperactive pain in the arse when he came in to take over from me this afternoon. He was running about like a madman, called me a lazy bastard when I couldn't answer a question that made no real sense to me, closed all the spreadsheets without saving them... so I just went for a shower and left.
If the engineers keep their side of the bargain he'll be dead by Monday. It will cost me a round of Subways for them, but it will be worth it.

On the other hand... I left work at 2pm and I don't go back until Wednesday... IMMD

There is a frustration in my job. Apart from a crap boss, and poor management skills all round, the plant is crap.
It is almost destined to breakdown when there is a need for it to go well.
I got in this afternoon and was relaxing (falling asleep) in the chair when my phone went. On the other end the Ginger Ninja's Geordie tones come bucketing into my ears. He's a good bloke, but he has no technical knowledge at all, he's doing it all 'parrot fashion'.
The cooling water has gone tits up and he has no idea why. I talk him through the possibles, and we are still no closer to finding a reason. Then I figure it out - there's been a pressure problem with the water all day, and now its causing a full on problem for him on his shift. So he's on the phone to me - twice more while I've been composing this post - trying to get some ideas and answers. Naturally the boss is not available out of work, and so GN has had to come to the only person who might be able to help him. Me.

All I want to do it read my book, play my game, and forget about work until 05:30 tomorrow (what does the "O" stand for? Oooooh my god its early!)

Have also been, stupidly, torturing myself with imaginations of what it would be like to leave my job... Haven't heard about the job I interviewed for last week, but I'm not getting my hopes up. At all... but the vision of handing my notice keeps creeping back to make the coming rejection worse.

Sigh.

On the good - The cute girl in the secondhand bookshop saved me a copy of a Will Self book after our conversation the other night. IMMD!

Not much to say today - am tired.
My mate Eddie Munster unloaded a bit of angst the other day, and I haven't slept properly since. Funny really coz he asked for a bit of support with his insomnia! Woke at 2:45 this morning and didn't really get back to sleep. Not properly, anyway.
Just closed my eyes, didn't fall asleep, but they refused to open again...

And in the spirit of IMMD - Rafa Benitez's face during the game last night, and coltsfoot rock in the sweet shop in town this afternoon.

I think I know why I'm so off this week...

I have been thinking about the interview.
I am certain I didn't get the job, though I haven't been told yet... obviously.
I think I got on OK with the people, and I don't think I said anything particularly stupid, but on reflection, it didn't seem that I had impressed them.

So I guess I'm stuck for a while longer. I promise that I'll contact them and ask what I did wrong and I will work on my interview technique to make sure I get the next one! I've only applied for about 5 jobs this year and I've had interviews for 2 of them... so as a strike rate, that isn't too bad, right?

So... I'm feeling a little flat at the moment. Not "down" but really not "up" either... just kinda... 'meh'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I found a new website last night called www.itmademyday.com for all those little moments of "win"... I laughed at several of them and decided that I'd try to record a little "IMMD" every day.
So... The girl in the secondhand bookshop took an interest in what I was buying and we chatted about Will Self, Iain Banks, and Philip Roth for a few minutes. IMMD.

Vaccuum

I'm unable to articulate how I feel...

Weekend...

Lovely boss called me into the office last night to tell me that there was a big push of production from now until Christmas which is going to mean many more hours, less weekend free time, and so on "for everyone". By which he means we will do 60 hour weeks and twice in the next 3 months he will stay a bit late.

I am really going to do my damned best to nail the interview I'm going for this afternoon, just so I can see his fat face when I hand my notice in.
He combines all the worst characteristics of the two guys above...

But today is day 1 of my 3 day weekend... I'm going to have to make the most of it.

Gods and Monsters.

I was raised as a Catholic.
I was nearly 20 before I dared miss church. I even went through a period of being very involved in the catholic youth movement in my mid teens and was a firm believer for many years.
Can't tell you exactly when or how it slipped away from me, but it did, bit by bit.

Then a few years ago my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease at the age of 60. She's in a home now. She went to church every week and was a pious woman.
I lost a close friend at the age of 30, another (who left 3 young children) a couple of years before that... Both religious in their own faiths.
LBJ told me last night about someone she knows who is terminally ill.

It seems so obvious to me that there cannot be, in any way, a loving god of any sort.
Why would a god let people suffer like this? There is a biblical argument that runs "you aren't good, you are tainted and evil" - oh, so you deserve it.
So why do good things happen to bad people? Well - God is so loving that he is generous to all, and though you deserve hell, you get forgiven.

Bollocks.

If god loved people so much he wouldn't leave mothers to die horrible deaths, or people who have never deliberately harmed anyone to struggle without love, or be unable to have children or without enough food, or let them slowly fade away to a mindless zombie while their family have to watch and hurt every day.
Either he doesn't exist, or he doesn't care in the least about us.
Or maybe he does exist and is so malicious that we must be tortured and still declare our love and obedience an the promise of some post fatality reward... really? I think we call that Control Freakery.
I mean, honestly, why would an omnipotent being really give a shit if I sleep with someone that I'm not married to? Or don't bow down before him on a Sunday? Or if someone eats pork, or a woman lets a man see their hair or has/doesn't have a foreskin or falls in love with someone of the same sex?
He doesn't care. Only stupid humans would care about such inconsequential things, and then only to give themselves power over other people stupid enough to think that the world will end if a man loves a man... or doesn't cut off the foreskin that their god created. I mean WTF people?

OK - so I'm ranting. Sorry about that, but it pisses me off...

The coasts are rollering,,,

Well - a boring start to the day.
I'm prohibited from working so I was fannying about trying to get the laptop to connect to my online game, but it wouldn't (I need a new PC here...), and so I was looking forward to a stunningly dull day in the house on my own.
There is only so much Facebook you can take... trust me! And I passed my quota yesterday.

Then inspiration - why not hop on a train to Birmingham? It's only about 3 stops, and about £3... so I did.
Spent a lovely few hours in the Art Gallery before heading to the Bull Ring.
By this time I needed to eat and my mood was starting to slip. I didn't fancy a burger, or Pret a Manger, Eat or the Noodle bar in Selfridges... Yo Sushi seemed like it might be a good idea, but the first dish I saw was priced at £15.99... I passed.
I ended up eating in a Japanese cafe. Sashimi salad was lovely. The fried chicken was succulent and tasty and the rice was lovely. Japanese curry is a weird thing though... it always reminds me of Northern Chippy curry. And then there was the drink... Green Tea Latte. Can't say I'd recommend it. At all. It was very green, though. Far too sweet and somewhat cloying. I'll got for the old fashioned weak, milkless, hot, bitter green tea next time. But its good to be open to new things... even if they don't turn put as nice as you'd hoped!

But my mood didn't improve. And there seemed to be a lot of lovely women to look at, which made me lonely and horny... It was only when the girl at Tesco struck up a conversation about music with me as she scanned my copy of "Word" that my mood improved at all. We chatted for a few minutes about Bowie, Dylan and other stuff... She seemed to be far too young to be into my music, but was knowledgeable, so "C'est la vie, say the old folks, it goes to show you never can tell!"

There's a Propaganda record on the radio... Makes me think of my school friend who was killed about 5 years ago. He was a massive fan of them, Frankie, and ZTT record in general. Really loved that electro sort of thing. And I always think of him when I hear any of their records.

Improvements

I feel better.
Haven't thrown up since about 10am.
Am stuck here though for at least 24 hours more.
I work in the food industry so am not allowed to work until 48 hours without symptoms of food poisoning or related illnesses. The means Wednesday morning.
But if I went home now, Lovely Boss would almost certainly call me tomorrow and ask me to "pop in" for a meeting or collect a form or something.
So I'm stuck.

I'm already bored.

Unwell

Vomiting is not fun.
Possible result of last nights meal, but that's what I spent the morning doing...

Sorry.

I've not done that for a while!

I didn't eat breakfast, or lunch or tea... So this evening, after work, I went to the pub and had a surf and turf with a rare steak and scampi, then brownies, ice cream and chocolate sauce.
A pint of good Lancashire ale, and a large malt scotch later and I'm swaying down the road to bed... from where I am typing this.

Good night.

Rollercoaster

Had a great day out yesterday.
Went to a Japanese festival somewhere near Liverpool Street in London. Much hilarity at the choir who were singing soft and sensitive music when an error on the mixing desk fired 20 000 decibels of crashing chords though the PA... cue everyone in the choir and the audience jumping a mile and laughing uproariously. Drumming displays, Frank Chickens, and traditional music and songs also featured.

Then took Number 1 Son round some old haunts, via Covent Garden, Trafalgar Square and Oxford Street, and then home on the train and getting in about 8pm, completely knackered.

Was getting ready for bed and thinking about Z when she sent a text. Always find that a bit spooky... but there is obviously no supernatural reason for it. (Got that? Good!) We swapped a few messages before I realised I was falling asleep, so I said goodnight. Her last message, which I saw this morning was, essentially, a "Harrumph!!"

I have to leave this morning. I am working this afternoon. Kindhearted boss says we all have to 'do extra at this time'. He will be doing extra hours at home having left early again on Friday.

("Deep breath, Keep calm, Carry on!")

And I have woken up at the bottom of the rollercoasters dip. Perhaps its because I'm hungry, or because the last two days have been so good, or because Z was in touch, or because I could do with another day off...


or maybe its just one of those days.

("Deep breath, Keep calm, Carry on!")

I wish I was as funny as he is...

http://tinman18.wordpress.com/

I found this guys blog, for which I owe thanks to LBJ. Thanks LB...

There's a post about anti-depressants from a few days back. He lists some of the side-effects of Prozac and ponders why "Sexual problems" is so vaguely disconcerting.
Well - as a one time user I can tell him all about them.

It wasn't so much a problem as a complete lack of interest. Not even a twitch.

Not even when the person I have had a long term passion for (and I mean REALLY long term, decades) was telling me exactly what she was wearing (very little and very sexy) and what she and her soon to be absent for a long spell of travelling boyfriend were going to be doing for the next few hours... The sort of conversation she loves because she loves to tease me and leave me flustered (to say the least) and the sort of conversation I love because I still love her despite the fact that she does those sort of things.
I'd hate her if I didn't love her.

But, to return from the land of Overshare, that absence was the oddest feeling for me... as I was deprived, I don't know if that really is the word I'm looking for, of one of my prime motivations in life. Sex and sexuality had been a never ending
theme until that point in my life. It has been the cause of most of the joy and a lot of the agony in my life and to find it gone one day was something that I still don't know how to deal with.
There are times,even now years after taking Zac, that my "sex drive" vanishes for a few days, even a few weeks, and then returns with a vengeance. At those times I am not sure that I am "me". Is that what defines me to me? If so, what happens if it vanishes for good as I get older? Or I lose the rest of my mind to dementia and that is all that remains? Am I still me?

And so to... London, I think. Or maybe Tokyo would be a better idea...

Oh the difference a massage makes... Best £20 I've spent in a while!

I was rather nervous as I've never booked with someone before. All my previous professional massages have been "Walk-in" places.

The clinic, her choice of word not mine, is in a gorgeous old manor house by the river. Incredible place... had to drive through a park, then walk a way to get there.

The masseuse is a small, but strong, blonde woman with a firm handshake and an accent I couldn't pin down. She put me at ease, and when we had chatted about my bad shoulder so she knew to take care with it, sat me on the massage chair and then gave me a very firm acupressure massage. There was a bit of discomfort a few times, but it was always in that "its going to feel better afterward" sort of way... muscles that needed to be pulled, squashed, pummelled and stretched were complaining about being abused, but they realised after that it was exactly what they needed. For the first time in about a week I haven't got a stiff neck.

I already know I'll be going back... I'll have to see if I have the courage to go for the longer (but still fully clothed) massage, or even for the oil massage that they offer. Maybe in time... I'm still way too self-conscious at the moment.

And so to bed...

Aches...

I've been on my feet for 12 hours a day for the last 4 days.
I'm knackered.

I woke up at 5am again (product of getting used to the alarm going off at that time for 5 days running) and the walk out of the bedroom was excrutiating! Knees, feet, ankles, hips... all creaking and complaining as I moved.

I am looking forward to a massage later this morning.

Its the smallest things that can lift the heart...

I've been worrying about Number One Son, as he has a bout of flu and the word "swine" has been running around my mind and making me sweat.
But he's been in touch and feels "much better" - so that eased the mind a little too.

The I found out that I have got an interview. That lifted my heart a little.

So by the time I got to Waitrose, very tired indeed, my feet aching, the left knee screaming in complaint at every bend, thoughts becoming fuzzy at times to the point of looking like an idiot, I was feeling somewhat better.
Then the best moment of the day.

A female manager was sorting products in the aisle I was shopping in. I was looking for something for my lunch tomorrow and she was bending over making the shelves look neat and tidy. I glanced at her, just for a moment and saw the split in her skirt was exposing the band at the top of her stockings.
She wasn't my type - but she made my day.

Now I'm listening to "Groove is in the Heart" by Dee-Lite on the radio.
Could the day end any better?

Shh!

My internal monologue is out to get me.
Constant undermining of my every move. Telling me I'd be better off dead... telling me that I'm not worth it... and so on and so on.

I don't listen to what it says - mostly.
I rather wish it would shut up though.

and it ends as it began...

Woke at 3:30 and crashed into the wall.

Thought it was too good to last, and maybe that was the start of it. Then again, maybe leaving home to come to work was the trigger, or the food I ate, or the tea, or the telly I watched or the Internet I surfed...

I don't know, but the good feeling of the last week has gone at the moment.
I hope it will return.

But for now I am showered, shaved, dressed and ready for work.

Would you...

...Spend most of the only 24 hours you are getting with your partner, sleeping?

I wouldn't.

Tired

Too many hours this week...

And am seriously pissed off at someone who should have checked a pump, but didn't, so I had to get an engineer to fix it at 10 last night. That meant I was late home and am very tired.

And now I have to get ready for a 12 hour shift...

And I am still feeling OK in myself, I'm just very angry at someone who was so intent on finishing early, going on his holiday that he has screwed things up again for the ones who are covering while he's away. Am actually livid.
Dammit!!!

Still it continues...

I still feel ok.

Better than OK, actually, I feel good.

Any ideas why? Answers on a postcard, please!

So far... So...

Well, I think "good" is the word.

I woke up feeling refreshed and rested. Which in itself is unusual.
Someone at work gave a bottle of Sake, which he had in turn been given by someone. I opened it and had some with a cheese and pickle sandwich, and a piece of apple pie. I watched the football highlights and dozed off in the chair before the last goal was scored.
I was woken by the ejaculations of the commentators and staggered up the stairs and straight into bed.

After a slow start, I decided to treat myself to breakfast, and wandered into the city centre. Its a lovely day, and I sat at a table in the window watching people heading to work in the glorious sunshine. Sadly the food wasn't as good as I'd been lead to believe it would be. Bacon and egg were good, as was the black pudding, but the sausage, hash brown and beans were not good. The sausage was especially bad. Also the coffee, though reasonable, was in a cup so small as to barely give refreshment to a pixie, let alone a great, fat eejit like myself!

Having settled my bill I walked further into the city and bought "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" before taking my place on a sunny bench overlooking the pool and the minster to read for a while. The ducks sputtered and quacked most pleasantly.
I read for a while before trying to book a massage (the proper sort - nothing tacky, thank you every much!) My only failure of the day so far.

The washing is drying, the water for a bath is heating, for once... I'm OK.
I know it wont last for ever, but I am enjoying it immensely right at the moment.

Aches

I woke up this morning and it hurt.

Everywhere.

Neck, head, ankle (No idea where THAT one came from), elbow... meh...

Aching from thinking about my friend and what she's going through too.
I wish I could make it alright.

The weekend was good. Beer, friends, chat, food, games...
Return home less so.
I suspect the mouse behind the washing machine may be a larger variety of the genus rattus, but nothing I can do about it now.

A brief conversation about the state of the house was ended with...
"I've been trying to clear it up, but everyone else is making the mess!"
I pointed out I'm only there 2 days a week at most, so how am I to blame? A grumbled, muttered, muted answer which didn't say anything was all I got.

I got my stuff, said goodbye and drove here.

The peculiar madness of the occasional birder.

I got a message on my phone.
"Pied Flit, Lodge, 13:10, showing well, mobile."
Wouldn't mean much to most people but it told me that a Pied Flycatcher had been seen at the Lodge near where I live. It was easy to see, and moving around a lot. But Flycatchers are usually active birds, they do move a lot by virtue of their food, flies... obviously.

The drive down from the midlands was tense. I've never seen a Pied Flycatcher, so I was keen to see this fella. They don't stay in my home county, they pass through on the way to North Wales, The Lakes, and other places in the spring, and then in late summer and autumn they pass through again heading South.

But then there's the agoraphobia... It's an odd phobia, because while I can rarely go birding, a rarity, or a full blown twitchable bird, is usually not a problem. That said, as soon as I see the rarity, the Red Breasted Flycatcher, the Tundra Bean Geese, or the Wood Lark all in the area in the last year or so, the phobia kicks back in and I have to go home.

So I arrived, parked, grabbed the gear from the boot, and headed off to the reported location.
I wasn't sure exactly where to look, but I was fairly sure I'd find someone, and I did. Two guys I didn't know and one I've spent a lot of time birding with over the last 10 years.
And so I spent 2 hours fixedly watching a tree and a bush. Great Tit and Blue Tit were the only species that I saw, with the possible exception of a bird that dropped from the Tree into the back of the bush (all we saw was the movement, not an identifiable bird) and we all decided was our target... but that doesn't count, you have to see it properly. You don't have to see all of it, or even see it for a long time, just see enough of it for long enough to be certain that that was "it".

Just before I arrived my mate had seen it in the bush, he'd seen the shape of the head, the white chevron on the wing, and then it vanished into the depth of the bush. But all I'd seen was a blue, a great and a movement... Still we kept watching.
We even tried the old trick of convincing it we had left, by walking over to another stand of trees a hundred yards away, and staying out of sight for a while. Why? Because the bird knows you are watching and is waiting until you go to come out and sun itself... obviously. Why else would birds be seen well just after you leave a site after trying for 3 hours to see it?

And so we watched, circling the tree, sitting quietly, chatting loudly... eventually going into the little thicket and looking around.
Nothing.

It was decided that the bird was still there, on no evidence whatsoever other than we hadn't seen it leave. We hadn't seen it stay either, but that's not birder logic. Whether the bird was there and not showing or absent the result was the same.
I still haven't seen a Pied Flycatcher.
I'm busy this weekend, so I wont have another chance to get back there.

Maybe next year.

Hello dear readers...

Do I have any?

Just wondering.

Work plant might well be knackered again. Same part broken as last time.
Oh good.

I want to go and get very drunk. Probably shouldn't.
Really, really, really want to...

Grey day and Psycho female neighbours...

Moods been swinging between light and dark today. Sort of grey on average, but too rollercoastery for comfort.

What made me laugh is the psycho woman over the other side of the street.
When I came up to the digs she had coned off a section of the parkable area outside her house (a public street, not a drive or private area) with notices saying "Urgent delivery - please DO NOT PARK!!!"
Well, I doubted there would be a delivery on a Bank(National) Holiday, but I parked elsewhere. The area was still coned off when I got in at about 7pm last night... and again when I got home a 4pm today.
Exactly how urgent is this delivery?
Well, after 3 days, I reckon the coned off area is fair game. So I pulled up, moved the barriers she'd created, and parked my car.
She flew out of her house shouting "I'm expecting a delivery! Its Urgent! You CAN'T DO THAT!! You Arsehole!!!"
I did my best to be calm in the face of this, pointed out that the delivery hadn't arrived for 3 days, was unlikely to arrive after 4:30, and she had no right to rail off parts of the street - I think she might have broken the Highways Act, in fact, though I didn't say that.
I was going to say that I'd move the car if the delivery arrived and needed to park right there. Again, something I'd doubt... I mean what could be being delivered that couldn't be carried 20 yards?
But she was so foul, shouting that the people on "that side" think they own the street and saying "Where do you live? I want to know!" at which point I said... "OK. That's enough" and walked away while she screamed abuse down the road.
From my room I could see that she took in the rest of the cones after talking to her neighbour.

I must remember to check the car before I drive off in the morning. There's a lot of odd people about...

fuck
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck...

The blackness hit me like a steamroller this morning, and hasn't really let up.

Eaten too many cakes and biscuits this evening too.

I'm just whining I know but its one of my coping mechanisms... Sorry.

Better

I'm here on my own... and I am enjoying it.
In fact I am enjoying it more and more, I think... I think... See there go the Doubts again. Dammit why can't my brain just decide?

Still... never mind... Went for a Thai meal with LL and her BF. Lovely restaurant, good food, reasonable price, beer was OK and I managed to get away with a glass... Yay! (we asked, didn't steal!) Waitress was lovely too, which hasn't helped the fact that I'm hornier than a rhino farm, but hey, no change there!

A couple of small beers, food and a rest have made this afternoon and evening very pleasant indeed.

And so to bed...

No improvement.

The weekend hasn't got better.
Barely spoken...

Going back to work today.
Actually that provoked a row. She's working and I'm leaving here before she gets back as Bank Holiday traffic is a nightmare by 7pm.
How dare I?

but... never mind

I woke up at 7:30 to a call from eldest child asking me to collect him and a girl from a party they'd been to all night.
Took them for breakfast then dropped her home, he slept all day.
I went and got forms from Post Office,paid bills, other Saturday bits and pieces...

Then, in the afternoon, I watched the rugby on the Beeb. Followed by footy scores. which is where it all went wrong. In the middle of Final Score she turned over. Not a word, just picked up the remote and turned over.
"errr... I was watching that..." I said.
"But I only let you have it on for the rugby, and that's over."

Oh, so that's alright then. If only I'd realised I was being "allowed" to watch the rugby, I wouldn't have spoken out of turn.
I'm not sure how she took my shocked silence, as she turned it back and didn't speak to me again until I'd cooked a meal poured wine, and she was watching X-Factor. I have to put up with that, CSI (several variants), NCIS, endless reruns of Friends, and whatever trash TV is on non-stop in the house, but how dare I ask for control of the viewing for more than 45 minutes!

But...

never mind...

forget I spoke...

Leonard Bernstein!!

The last 3 tracks of REM's 1988 album Eponymous were our going out songs at college.

We'd decide we were going out on Friday or Saturday and we'd be farting around, playing games, drinking beer, skinning up, watching telly, and sort of getting ready... Then we'd hear the first chords of "The One I Love", and that was the start of the countdown.

If you've seen the episode of Friends where they have to go to some sort of posh do with Ross and he's really stressed about nobody getting ready, then at the last minute everyone and everything snaps into place - it was like that. There would be no perceptible change in behaviour, but it would go from 3 guys lounging around in stuff they'd not be seen dead in in the pub, to 3 guys ready for a night out with no effort.

"The One I Love" is followed by "Finest Worksong" and the "The End Of The World As We Know It" - As Stipe called "Leonard Bernstein" we'd all be ready, and out the door...

I could almost taste the ale and curry as I played those 3 tracks on Spotify earlier this evening.

(thats not us, by the way... just a random image of an 80s night out - sorry)

Over for now.

The night shifts are done for now.

I'm back in my home, not my digs, having managed to get the work done and left early for the extended weekend. I'm a bit wired, though, from the drive and from drinking energy (read stimulant) drinks for the drive home... so I'm waiting to unwind.
Actually, its starting - I can feel tiredness creeping up on me as I type.

The peculiar madness that afflicts me at work is passing... I clock watch. Not just "its 4 and I leave at 5" but "Its 10:30 and I'm halfway through my first day, which means 1/8 of the week, so this time tomorrow I'll be 25% of the way done and..." so on and so on...
It drives me mad, because at some point I'll work out that I'm only 3 days from Monday morning again and I go into another spiral of working out what I have left for me.
It never comes out good, but I can't seem to stop myself.

Last night I spent time trying to remember all my jobs that I've had since I was 15. It was late, I was tired and trying to keep some sort of focus...
Furniture polish remover, paperboy, barman, brewer, microbiologist, QC technician, food technician, Trading standards assistant, picker, packer, problem solver, customer service rep. I came to the conclusion that I hated every single job I have ever had.
With the possible exception of Barman.

I don't think my brain is designed for work. Maybe for some sort of flashy consultancy, or dilettante arty-farty thing... but not the daily grind.

Less good...

Not a good morning's sleep - only abut 4 hours.

I was far less tired this morning, and perhaps I didn't eat enough before going to bed... but I was asleep before 7, and awake again just after 11... will try for a bit more rest this afternoon.

Right now, I'm going to get my trousers on, see if I need to buy anything, and as I probably don't, and going to buy something I don't need or can do without.

Its the only sensible option in the circumstances!

This is playing merry hell with my sex life... at least it would if I had one!

Sleep... a thing of the past.

Well, for this week at least.

Night shifts. Not something I enjoy. The loneliness is palpable.
I don't mind working on my own, but I don't like working on my own, on my own... I prefer company while I work on my own thing.

On the plus side I managed to get a half decent sleep this morning, bought a nice book from Oxfam, tried not to be too obvious a letch in the city centre this afternoon and am fairly relaxed at the moment.

Nights

I'm working night shifts this week, which has made me very antsy.
I don't like nights, but I will just have to tough it out.

It probably wont be too bad, but my mind is already anticipating all sorts of things. Daft, but there you go.
I'm in a 7pm and working until 6am... at least I will be done on Friday morning and will have a nice long weekend to recover.

Accentuate the positive! (EEK!)

It might be the amount of beer I've drunk over the last 2 weeks...
It might be the weather...
It might be a lot of things...

But the panic attack I had in Tesco's today was absolutely awful.

It has passed now, but I was actually physically shaking when I got in.



Positivity isn't on the agenda at this minute.

Quite Drunk

Went for a meal

Drank a fair amount of beer

only got charged for 1 and a half pints...


Hurrah!

Cricket

Is there anything finer than a good England cricket performance, a warm day with a nice breeze, and a good cup of tea?

Probably, but this will do for me.

A Tribute to Ivor

I'm Happy,
I'm Happy,
I'm Happy,
I'm Happy,
I'm Happy
I'm Happy...






And I'll punch the man who says I'm not.

Returns and Repeats

And now I am back - I managed to fix Landlady's internet, or my connection to the LL's internet or... something.

So I'm going to go away and think about something to write... errrrrrrrrrrrr....

Perspective

Sometimes I get to realise that my problems and worries are pretty insignificant and I'm mostly a guy with somewhere to sleep, enough to eat, a family, and friends...

Sorry for moaning. And I'm sorry, but its a habit I probably wont be able to break.

Oddness increases.

So the plant broke again... About 3:15 on Thursday I was clearing one of the vessels and there was a strange noise. Investigations found that the inlet valve had been well and truly clouted by the clearing mechanism. The shaft of the valve is about an inch thick and had a 20 degree bend in it now...
So the valve was dismantled and collected and will be back on Tuesday - probably.
Well, maybe...

All this meant I cleared off early last night, and very early tonight.

So despair because work is difficult again, due to mechanical faults in the plant that they wont maintain, replace or deal with.
Also will have to work on Saturday next week... Bollocks.

Then I drove home. Long drive that has left me crabby and tired.
Also - a weird feeling to listen to "Any Questions" on Radio4. Mainly because Toby Young was on it - and I've always rather liked him. But by the end of the programme I was ready to drive anywhere so I could punch him. To Death!
Then the Buffton-Tuffton type rich farmer who I thought I'd hate as he was introduced was one of the most charming, and funny, guests I could have imagined. He was a bit "old school" sexist at a few points, but was happy to be lambasted for it and really didn't seem to mean what he said... more doing it to make the programme interesting! Very entertaining.

I'd been dying to see the Perseid meteor shower over the last few nights - but one night it was cloudy, the next was raining, and last night I was free... So I drove out to look at them, and then got a panic/agoraphobia attack.
Ended up back at my digs drinking port with Landlady.

At least that was pleasant.

I just feel sick today.
Another day where the coping techniques aren't working.

Lonely

I think its the quiet that gets to me.
It makes me lonely.
Don't get me wrong, I love being on my own and having the freedom to do what I want... which I do when I'm here, and I don't when I'm home with the family.
But I don't get enough contact. At work I work alone and for most of my time I have no contact with anyone at all. For the most part, people don't want to interact with my section so they don't come to say hello.
And thats where the lonely part arrives. I worked on my own in most of my jobs, but there was usually someone there, lots of people there to talk to, to take 5 minutes out with, just just interact with... If I put my mind to it today I could pretty easily go the whole day without even talking to another person.

Well, I survived the first day.
Boss has changed the rota so that I have a 12 hour day on a Saturday in a few weeks - nice.
also the night shift guy is off in 2 weeks and it's my turn for a week of nights. Trying not to stress about that as I'm just "troubling trouble" as someone once said.

Otherwise life is continuing in its same old very dull boring get up go to work sleep eat feel bored try to do something cant finish it wheres the time gone got to rush to do that thing now oh no it's too late or is it have i got the time sort of way it does most of the time.

A mate is retiring from work at the end of this week, apparently. He doesn't need the money, he says, so he's leaving - or at least just going to do some part time hours.
He's 50. 10 years older than me. Lives at home with his mum and has never married. I'm wondering if I've done the right thing with my life?

Back to work...

Here we go...
Back to work after 16 days off...
Am a bit shaky, but at least I have managed to get some stuff done this morning...

Let's see how it goes...

Wish me luck. Please.

End of the holiday...

I'm back in my digs. I came up early because when I've come up after a period of time off previously, and gone straight to work I've ended up in a realy state for several days. So, I thought, if I come up early, maybe I'll "get back into" the routine and it wont be so bad.
So far it seems to have worked, as I was in a state this morning, and am not too bad now.
Despite a terrible performance by my hometown sports team this afternoon, I'm quite chipper.

Fingers crossed it lasts.