Review, compare and contrast.

I've been reviewing lots of things.
One if them is this blog. It doesn't seem to be helping me at the moment, I'm just trawling out the same nonsense over and over, I still feel crap and... Its boring.

Currently I'm experiencing...
A dying mother-in-law.
Rejection.
A barren emotional life at home.
Turmoil over feelings about me from at least one source.

And I'm not sure I want to burden anyone else with it any longer.

Maybe I'll let you know. Until then... Goodbye.

Is it really 2 weeks since I wrote anything?
Apparently.
Well, I fel like I have little to say about this side of my personality at the moment. I've been on a relatively even keel, there's some pitch, roll and yaw, but not as much as at the bad times, and so I'm just enjoying the 'calm'.

Goodnight.

In which there are Panics over nothing

I felt truly awful last night. Fluey, sick, tired, down, morbid...
So I headed to bed at 11ish (I am off work so this is allowed!)
And this morning I woke up at just after 6am to see my phone blinking in the dark with the usual Twitter messages from the early risers and late stayers.
I flipped the touchscreen open and saw a missed call. The worry started there and ran headlong into panic. Who would call me at gone eleven at night. Well, LBJ (maybe but probably not), Dad, and Number 1Son.
Any which way, its not good news.

It was Number 1.
Oh shit.

Then I see there's a text message from 5 minutes later.
It said "Just out in (Adoptive City) and saw that The Hold Steady are playing this month. Thought you'd like to know, don't call me back, I'm out on the razz."

Was so tempted to phone him and claim I hadn't read the text... But that would be Bad Parenting. Probably.

Nothing ever seems to go as intended. Is it just me or do the rest of the planets population get the same thing?
Ginger Ninja ran to the boss and told him about my row with the Toerag. Not been bollocked yet, but I expect to. Its got to the stage where you can't tell him anything, and now it seems you don't need to tell him, he blabs anyway!!!
At least I have a day or two off... before a long stint and then a proper long rest.

Keep Calm & Carry On.

A week is a long time in politics...

A week ago, or there abouts, I was being told that as our hours had increased we would be due a pay rise. Other advantages would be coming our way - Life was improving and Big Brother would make sure we were happy.
Today the snide little toerag I sadly share a surname with, but NO DNA I hasten to add, was going round telling people that my department was being shut down and the product was to be bought from another company. He told the engineers, his department, production... but not me. The only person affected by this possible development, and he didn't even tell me.
So when I asked the boss, who looked suitably shocked that news was out, I was absolutely guilt free that toerags balls will be in a vice tomorrow morning.

So the situation is...
The company might buy the product from elsewhere.
I might, along with 2 colleagues, be made redundant.
It might not happen.

I've drunk some wine and eaten too much bad food tonight. I need some comfort, after all.

Out of the mouths of babes...

LBJ - Oi, Fatso!
Me - what?
LBJ - Just listening to a song and thought of you
Me - Ah... I listened to this and thought of you. :) I was expecting something rude from you, though.
LBJ - Rude? Me? I think you have the wrong woman!
Me - Wrong woman? Oh, in oh so many ways...
LBJ - Oh, mate :-(
Me - Meh, Sort of getting used to it...
LBJ - Still... :-(

Spent an hour or two talking with my mate who seems to be suffering from depression.
I think I have persuaded him to seek further help...

Otherwise my life has little to recommend it at the moment.
There are no deep thoughts, no news, no... nothing really.
Bimbling along.

Goodnight!

She climbed, somewhat uncertainly, into bed. Quite drunk from the night out.
Drunk enough to feel amorous. Not drunk enough to let me touch her as she had demanded.
Well, I say demanded, cuddled up, made all the 'right' noises, wriggled... and then when my hand wandered towards her skin, recoiled, pushed away, hid, said 'wait a minute' - and was asleep in moments.
Sad thing was I didn't want to touch her. Only a feeling of duty, obligation, made me.
Even the little touch of her I managed didn't work for me, I didn't enjoy the feel of her.

I feel ashamed.
And at the same time kind of liberated, because I know this isn't my fault.

I sent The Poet a message yesterday, the first since the falling out of things. I'm wondering if she will reply. I'm really not sure. She hasn't yet, but it was a fairly long message so may need some digestion.

I hope she likes this link.


Or she may think I'm evil.

I should be really stressed this week, but I'm not.
Not entirely sure why, but I guess I'll just go with it.


I know this isn't exactly earth shattering, doesn't open my soul, had no real insight into the human condition... But I'm in a bit of a level phase...

I'll try to be more upset soon.

Its been an odd few days.
Work's been its usual arsey self.
And The Poet and I have fallen out somewhat. One of those things that doesn't have a definable start, or cause, but the tail of it is still wrapped around me.