I didn't get any sleep that night, obviously. I was wilting at 8pm, and decided 9:30 would be the perfect time to sleep... by which time I had my second wind and was up until 1:30. The alarm at 4:45 was, oh, so welcome.
I managed to get through the working day, and get home - aided by 2 stops to stretch legs, and 3 cans of Red Bull Cola.

I'm still knackered now.

But the car cost £40 less to fix than they told me it would! How's about that for a result?
Mustn't Grumble!

Coffee, sleep and bum calls...

Its funny what you discover.
One day last week I discovered I prefer black coffee to white. Funny that about a year ago I was drinking lattes... And I don't mean I prefer it, really, I mean I LOVE black coffee. I can't believe I've been drinking it white all these years!
Maybe I should cut down on the coffee...

But if I cut down on the coffee I'd be asleep in no time. I've had about 4 hours sleep in the last 38 hours... and I'm working a day shift tomorrow. So I need an early night, and I can't sleep now, much as I want to, or I'll be up all night. Argh!
Damn my boss and his stupid shift pattern!!
Fuck, I'm tired.

When I woke from my short sleep there was a missed call from LBJ on my phone. It's rare for her to call me, so it meant there was something up, or something she needed to know. So I called her.
She answered and even though I was somewhat befuddled, I could tell she was confused to be called by me.
"You called me this morning." I said.
"No, I didn't" she said, "Not on purpose, anyway..."
Ah... that was it.
A bum call.
She'd sat on her phone, or put something on it in her bag, or something... Silly girl.
It was nice to hear her voice for the first time since August though.

Went to a quiz last night. Had a terrible pint of bitter.
Possible why I feel so incredibly terrible today...
Went for a walk in the city to try to cheer myself up. Place is packed out with kids on half term.
Pretty girl in the charity bookshop said hello. Not enough to cheer me up though.


Normal service has been resumed. Sorry about that.

Dangling Conversation.

I was heading into work. And for some reason the traffic was insane. It took me nearly an hour to travel 5 miles.
So, while I was sat in the queue I called home.
I have been worried about a few things, and there is now the possibility of either identity theft, mistaken identity or even fraud as a bloke turned up at the door saying we'd bought a large amount of home improvements and owed a fortune to him. More stress. Great.
We were discussing this and Wifey said "Well, I'm not bothered, you can call the number when you get home and sort it out then" Great, I thought.
"Oh, can I? Gee, thanks!" I replied.
There was a few moments on consternation from her end of the line as she seemed to be wondering why I wouldn't be overjoyed at this opportunity of a lifetime with which I'd been honoured.
I decided to move on, skating over this particular thin ice.
"Have you contacted the DVLA?" A car tax application has gone walkabout.
"No, I forgot." How one forgets something that one has been looking for for two weeks, I'm not sure...
"How about the mortgage payment, did you get that sorted?"
"No, I forgot."
"Or the Water bill you said you were sorting?"
"No, I forgot."
A pattern was starting to emerge. And a sense of "WTF!!" anger was building in me.
"Look," I said, "I know I'm not much better, but this is getting silly. I can't do everything!"
There was silence on the other end of the line. The cars edged forward a few feet.
"You need to help me with this stuff, Wifey. I'm not around to do it, and when I am, I haven't got time to do it all."
More silence, but this is her standard response to any confrontation. Say absolutely nothing until the other person (me) gives up and goes away.
I continued.
"Everything is starting to circle the drain, Wifey, and if we are not very careful it will be too late, it may already be too late."
There was more silence.
Then I heard myself saying something that has been close to the surface for a long, long time.
"And I mean everything. The house, the car, the debts and this marriage."
Its odd that even though there was still silence on the phone, there was a difference in that silence. She's started listening very carefully, I thought.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to say it like that, but I did mean what I said." I told her.
"Oh." At last a response.
"It's not the best way to discuss it"
"Well, I was thinking that." She said.
The traffic suddenly started to move. I told her (its OK I was "handsfree") that we'd talk later and that I'd call her when I took my break.

We aren't divorced yet, in fact its all been very cordial.
Maybe there's another conversation to be dangled.

I don't like working night shifts.
I don't like working.
I don't...
I...

I feel awful.

Had a poor few days off. Number 1 Son got a prize at school prize-giving night, which was nice, but a massive panic attack after dropping car off for MOT and ending up hiding in Sainsbury's toilets crying was not dignified. Thankfully the MOT fail was about £300 less than I was expecting. So I guess that's a win...

I wonder why my body clock refuses to get in tune with my shift pattern.

I am on lates and nights for most of the next week, so naturally I'm falling asleep at 9:30 and waking up at 3, 4 or 5am (3:15 today.) This, naturally, makes me antsy, anxious, nervy and generally fed-up - yes, even more than usual.
Normally I'd stay in bed and read, or surf the net, and try to get some more sleep - but I'm home and I can't do that when Wifey is asleep in the bed.

So I'm in the living room with Radio2 on, and a cup of tea in my new companion (very reasonable at £1.29 from Dunelm!) There is something satisfying about a pure white mug of a good size... So I guess its not all bad.

Disaster

There was a disaster this morning.

I've lost an old friend, a trusted companion, the one I could rely on every morning, afternoon and evening.

All it took was the briefest ofimpacts, so slight it was barely noticed. The noise of it was almost unheard, drowned out by a whisper of running water... It was only when the liquid pooled at his feet that I realised it was too late to save him.

You dont find a cup that perfect every day. Just the perfect size. Not too big that I'd end up throwing tea away, not too small that I was left unsatisfied and had to make another cup that wasn't as good, and left me overfaced... So its off to Debenhams I go.

Spoke too soon...

Very disturbed night last night, woke up tense and antsy... Haven't managed to shake it off at all today.
Bugger.

And I'm getting a bit pissed of with GN blaming me when he screws up. 4 times this week - and I only worked with him 3 days.
Moan bitch whinge...

This is post 101 by the way... I'll try to make 102 interesting in some way.

It's not "happy"... but it might be level.

I seem to be on a reasonably even keel at the moment. Most of this last week.
Hence the lack of angst ridden posts... Friends have been in good form too. Moving house having families sending me jokes... all of which have made the week pass in a reasonable fashion.
I went out last night too.
A woman at work has been made redundant - its a small workforce, so it was only one woman from the office staff - and we went for a drink with her last night.
I had to drive out there, so drinking was a no-no. Also I was working at 6am, and I'm a lightweight these days - And they say Prozac's side-effects are small!!!
So I went along, had a shandy, chatted for a bit, promised to keep in touch, and then before I knew it I had an agoraphobia attack. I just had to get out of there and fast. So I did. I was in bed at 10 and asleep before 11.

I intend to read tonight.
Read, listen to the radio, and that's it.

I should write out the work stuff that upset me, but I'm still feeling upset and foolish and so... I need to distance myself a bit. Don't worry, its nothing major, but I spent several hours in a state of panic because of it.

So...

Reading, radio and a bit of Internet scrabble...

I was, naturally, reunited with the items I'd lost. Happened too late in the day to get anything done though.

Today Wifey and I went for lunch at a nice country pub. Sausage and Mash with a bit of black pudding and nice gravy. Shame the black pudding was in batter, and the batter actually overpowered the black pudding inside it. But otherwise it was a lovely meal.

And now I'm back in my digs. Reasonable drive up, no stress, I was smiling most of the way up listening to Radio4.

Sorry I haven't got anything more interesting to tell you...

A simple misplaced item has ruined my only proper day off this week.
I can't find my wallet, or my keys or my phone - so three items, really. Well more if you count each key separately... Hmmm - back up a little. Keys are a singular thing for the purpose of this discussion/neurotic freakout.

SO! 3 things have gone missing.
The place is a mess. They've fallen down someplace and I can't see them. But as Wifey is on a week of nights I can't search the room.
So I'm stuck here.
No food to speak of in the house.
No tea.
No way of getting the car to the MOT testing place.
No way of calling anyone to chat to relieve the boredom.
I'm hungry, pissed off, and my brain is beating the rest of me up so hard until the inside of my skull is black and blue and looks like an abattoir...
I want to cry, but I can't.
I want to be anywhere else, but I can't be.
I wish so many things were other than they are, but they are as they are.

Maybe in a few days I'll look at this post again and I'll remind myself that my worries, anxieties, panics are so fleeting it is stupid to have them at all. That does happen a fair bit. But right at this moment all I can see is me being unable to find wallet, keys or phone and being fired as I can't get back to work without a minimum of 2 from 3.

Bollocks.

coughcoughcough...coughcoughcough...coughcoughcough...coughcoughcough...
coughcoughcough...coughcoughcough...coughcoughcough...coughcoughcough...

That's why I'm up so early.

On the plus side I found Bad Touch and The Ballad of Chasey Laine by the Bloodhound Gang on Spotify.

Tired again

I'm tired again.
I did a night shift last night, and while it went smooothly, it was a long, long night.
Hard work, but no major issues and I was feeling OK as I headed to the car to go back to the digs at about 5:30. I reckoned I could probably drive home, so I decided to go in, grab my gear and hit the road, probably getting in at about 7...
The swerving, erratic driving, the blank spot where I couldn't remember driving into the city all persuaded me not to do that, but to go to bed instead. Tipping porridge on myself was the clincher.

I resurrected myself just before 1pm and headed down here.

I'm cold, full of cold, and knackered. Yay!

Haven't had a "made my day" moment for a few days, either. Bunch of Arse!

Scared

Well, its been a long day.
Up early, 12hrs of work, though my mate came in early to take over so I could go and watch the game, a few beers watching the game go badly wrong, then eventually to bed at about 11:40.
Then it all went wrong. And for once, not by my hand, but I'm still scared and shaking here as I'm writing.

About 12:00 there was a noise. Someone knocking on the door. Knocking insistently.
It was Landlady's boyfriend. He's been drinking all day and she'd left him to it, apparently. Trouble is he has a habit of knocking on the door when he's had a few. But it didn't disturb me too much and I rolled over to go back to sleep.
The next thing I know is I can hear someone coming in through the back door of the house. For a moment I panicked, then thought, "oh crap, its the BF coming in - they'll be shagging upstairs..."
I hear him go up past my room, and to the room above. I can hear voices, but not what's being said. Then I can hear whats being said in way too much detail for my liking. He's ranting at her for what I'm not exactly sure, but he's shouting and swearing and stomping about. Then he stamps down the stairs, slams her bedroom door and stamps down past my room shouting something about getting nothing out of the relationship and he does everything she wants all the time... A bit rich considering I know he's been out with his mates all day.
But at least its over... right?
Wrong.
After about another 5 minutes there's a crash from downstairs - whether he's crashed into something drunk or deliberately broken something, I don't know, and I'm not going to find out. I do decide to reach out of the bed very quietly and get a t-shirt and trousers on, as I'm now frightened and concerned I will become the target for his very considerable rage.
There is more stomping up, and down, stairs. More swearing at her. More accusations of horrible treatment of him due to not answering a text message or call immediately, at least this is the gist of the row, I think. By now I have put ear plugs in and am lying in the dark with my adrenaline levels going through the roof. I'm expecting the door to my room to fly off the hinges at any second and I'll be attacked. He's escallated his shouting and the ear plugs are no longer stopping the noise he's creating.
He's stomped down the stairs again and this time, I think, he's gone.
It's gone quiet at any rate, which is sort of an improvement, but I'm waiting for it to kick off again.
Thankfully it doesn't, but I hear LL get up and go down to the kitchen. Then there is the aroma of a cigarette, so I know she's stressed as she doesn't smoke in the house unless she's in a state.
And finally, a few moments ago, I hear her leave the house very quietly. Presumably going to his place, a few doors down the road, to make up, or row more. So long as I can't hear them - I don't care much which it is at this moment.

The guy scares me. Not because I think I couldn't hold my own against him, but because he seems to be on the edge of violence, especially against LL, so very often. Everyone rows with a partner, and shouting and things happen - but these rows, and I've seen about 5 since I've been renting this room, are getting scarier. He nearly lost his job after getting into a physical fight with his boss earlier this year while on a night out, but it was decided it was "not related to work" so no action was taken.

Perhaps I'm just getting older and softer, but I'm starting to wish I had somewhere else to stay.
Either way, it's 1:30 now and I don't think I'll be able to sleep for a while yet.

Questions.

Why did I have an appaling hangover after only one beer last night? (it arrived after I'd written this morning's post, when I got up and stuck with me until after 2pm!)
Will I ever get a job I like?
Will I be able to sort my marriage?
What happens if I don't?
Does anyone read this?
Does it matter if they don't?

Fatigue

I'm working 12 hour days, 50+ hour weeks and that sort of thing at the moment, so I'm exhausted.
I got in last night, ate, had a bottle of Duvel and tried to read. After an hour I had managed 1 page.
I gave up, called Wifey to say goodnight and turned the light off.
I was asleep in seconds.
Somewhere about 2am I woke up to turn the radio off and went straight back to sleep. 4:30 woke me to let me know the toilet was free, so I availed myself and now the alarm is going off every 5 minutes to remind me that another 12 hours is waiting for me at work...
I not only hate being so tired I can't begin to function once I get home from work, but I hate the fact that I'm being messed about. I can't go home on Saturday when I finish, because I'm working on Sunday night. Just one night shift, but I can't afford the petrol to go home Saturday, back Sunday and home again Monday... So I have 24 hours in my digs which will bore me rigid and I can't see the family.
Ah sod it - I have to go...

The family thing is sorted, I think. Had a long chat with my dad today.
But it has worn my mind out. I'm aching inside for no good reason other than my family often wear me out.

Families... who'd have em?

My sister has an issue with our dad having a relationship with someone other than our mum, now that mum is in advanced stages of Alzheimer's disease and is in a care home.

I don't have an issue with it.

Mind, she also has an issue with pretty much everyone, over almost anything... She always has been an argumentative, and often deeply nasty person. She's also one of the funniest and kindest people I've ever met... funny old world, eh?

The thing with my dad is too complex to go into at the moment.
Suffice to say that I think he can do what he wants, so long as he's careful, safe, and doesn't leave everything to her in his will (I'm not that mercenary - really) its none of my, or anyone elses business. He just needs to be a bit more diplomatic at times... from what I've gathered tonight.

Today, nothing has made my day, sadly.
Fingers crossed for tomorrow.

Early start again - I wish my insomnia was at the start, not the end, of the night's sleep. Not sure why I think that would be better, but it seems like it would.

Had to make myself scarce today as Wifey was between nights, so I decided to go into town to do something... but I wasn't sure what. I had to go and tell the Blood Transfusion Service that Number 1 Son has a stinking cold, so wouldn't be coming.
While I was there I donated in his place. Well - obviously I re-registered myself, but I took his turn. Felt really smug, if a little light headed this afternoon.

Insomnia

Up at 5am.

I fell asleep playing my game last night. Was woken up by the guys in the group making a racket to wake me up... still giggling about it now. At least they all thought it was funny too.
Think I will have to go for a sleep this afternoon.

Have just realised that not only is it Sunday, but also realised that I am not working tomorrow... or the day after that.
Doesn't seem too bad a day, now. I mean, I still need to find £25-30 000 to fund son at a university, another £15 000 to pay off my debts, and find the time and ways sort out my life, my marriage and find a job I can be content in (I'll settle for content, as happy seems unrealistic.)
But I'm not working for the next 2 days!

It was fun - but I'm absolutely knackered, feel very, very old, and need to think...

Dammit I feel crap this morning.
I think the rejection finally hit me at about 4:30am and so my brain woke me up to tell me...
Tried to get back to sleep for a while before giving it up as a bad job and playing on Facebook.

None of which is ideal prep for a day of driving a carload of teenagers to university towns.
Might be fun though... right?

Why doesn't right feel good?

I was right.
I didn't get the job.
I thought being right was supposed to feel better than this though...

Ginger Ninja was a completely hyperactive pain in the arse when he came in to take over from me this afternoon. He was running about like a madman, called me a lazy bastard when I couldn't answer a question that made no real sense to me, closed all the spreadsheets without saving them... so I just went for a shower and left.
If the engineers keep their side of the bargain he'll be dead by Monday. It will cost me a round of Subways for them, but it will be worth it.

On the other hand... I left work at 2pm and I don't go back until Wednesday... IMMD

There is a frustration in my job. Apart from a crap boss, and poor management skills all round, the plant is crap.
It is almost destined to breakdown when there is a need for it to go well.
I got in this afternoon and was relaxing (falling asleep) in the chair when my phone went. On the other end the Ginger Ninja's Geordie tones come bucketing into my ears. He's a good bloke, but he has no technical knowledge at all, he's doing it all 'parrot fashion'.
The cooling water has gone tits up and he has no idea why. I talk him through the possibles, and we are still no closer to finding a reason. Then I figure it out - there's been a pressure problem with the water all day, and now its causing a full on problem for him on his shift. So he's on the phone to me - twice more while I've been composing this post - trying to get some ideas and answers. Naturally the boss is not available out of work, and so GN has had to come to the only person who might be able to help him. Me.

All I want to do it read my book, play my game, and forget about work until 05:30 tomorrow (what does the "O" stand for? Oooooh my god its early!)

Have also been, stupidly, torturing myself with imaginations of what it would be like to leave my job... Haven't heard about the job I interviewed for last week, but I'm not getting my hopes up. At all... but the vision of handing my notice keeps creeping back to make the coming rejection worse.

Sigh.

On the good - The cute girl in the secondhand bookshop saved me a copy of a Will Self book after our conversation the other night. IMMD!