Not much to say today - am tired.
My mate Eddie Munster unloaded a bit of angst the other day, and I haven't slept properly since. Funny really coz he asked for a bit of support with his insomnia! Woke at 2:45 this morning and didn't really get back to sleep. Not properly, anyway.
Just closed my eyes, didn't fall asleep, but they refused to open again...

And in the spirit of IMMD - Rafa Benitez's face during the game last night, and coltsfoot rock in the sweet shop in town this afternoon.

I think I know why I'm so off this week...

I have been thinking about the interview.
I am certain I didn't get the job, though I haven't been told yet... obviously.
I think I got on OK with the people, and I don't think I said anything particularly stupid, but on reflection, it didn't seem that I had impressed them.

So I guess I'm stuck for a while longer. I promise that I'll contact them and ask what I did wrong and I will work on my interview technique to make sure I get the next one! I've only applied for about 5 jobs this year and I've had interviews for 2 of them... so as a strike rate, that isn't too bad, right?

So... I'm feeling a little flat at the moment. Not "down" but really not "up" either... just kinda... 'meh'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I found a new website last night called www.itmademyday.com for all those little moments of "win"... I laughed at several of them and decided that I'd try to record a little "IMMD" every day.
So... The girl in the secondhand bookshop took an interest in what I was buying and we chatted about Will Self, Iain Banks, and Philip Roth for a few minutes. IMMD.

Vaccuum

I'm unable to articulate how I feel...

Weekend...

Lovely boss called me into the office last night to tell me that there was a big push of production from now until Christmas which is going to mean many more hours, less weekend free time, and so on "for everyone". By which he means we will do 60 hour weeks and twice in the next 3 months he will stay a bit late.

I am really going to do my damned best to nail the interview I'm going for this afternoon, just so I can see his fat face when I hand my notice in.
He combines all the worst characteristics of the two guys above...

But today is day 1 of my 3 day weekend... I'm going to have to make the most of it.

Gods and Monsters.

I was raised as a Catholic.
I was nearly 20 before I dared miss church. I even went through a period of being very involved in the catholic youth movement in my mid teens and was a firm believer for many years.
Can't tell you exactly when or how it slipped away from me, but it did, bit by bit.

Then a few years ago my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease at the age of 60. She's in a home now. She went to church every week and was a pious woman.
I lost a close friend at the age of 30, another (who left 3 young children) a couple of years before that... Both religious in their own faiths.
LBJ told me last night about someone she knows who is terminally ill.

It seems so obvious to me that there cannot be, in any way, a loving god of any sort.
Why would a god let people suffer like this? There is a biblical argument that runs "you aren't good, you are tainted and evil" - oh, so you deserve it.
So why do good things happen to bad people? Well - God is so loving that he is generous to all, and though you deserve hell, you get forgiven.

Bollocks.

If god loved people so much he wouldn't leave mothers to die horrible deaths, or people who have never deliberately harmed anyone to struggle without love, or be unable to have children or without enough food, or let them slowly fade away to a mindless zombie while their family have to watch and hurt every day.
Either he doesn't exist, or he doesn't care in the least about us.
Or maybe he does exist and is so malicious that we must be tortured and still declare our love and obedience an the promise of some post fatality reward... really? I think we call that Control Freakery.
I mean, honestly, why would an omnipotent being really give a shit if I sleep with someone that I'm not married to? Or don't bow down before him on a Sunday? Or if someone eats pork, or a woman lets a man see their hair or has/doesn't have a foreskin or falls in love with someone of the same sex?
He doesn't care. Only stupid humans would care about such inconsequential things, and then only to give themselves power over other people stupid enough to think that the world will end if a man loves a man... or doesn't cut off the foreskin that their god created. I mean WTF people?

OK - so I'm ranting. Sorry about that, but it pisses me off...

The coasts are rollering,,,

Well - a boring start to the day.
I'm prohibited from working so I was fannying about trying to get the laptop to connect to my online game, but it wouldn't (I need a new PC here...), and so I was looking forward to a stunningly dull day in the house on my own.
There is only so much Facebook you can take... trust me! And I passed my quota yesterday.

Then inspiration - why not hop on a train to Birmingham? It's only about 3 stops, and about £3... so I did.
Spent a lovely few hours in the Art Gallery before heading to the Bull Ring.
By this time I needed to eat and my mood was starting to slip. I didn't fancy a burger, or Pret a Manger, Eat or the Noodle bar in Selfridges... Yo Sushi seemed like it might be a good idea, but the first dish I saw was priced at £15.99... I passed.
I ended up eating in a Japanese cafe. Sashimi salad was lovely. The fried chicken was succulent and tasty and the rice was lovely. Japanese curry is a weird thing though... it always reminds me of Northern Chippy curry. And then there was the drink... Green Tea Latte. Can't say I'd recommend it. At all. It was very green, though. Far too sweet and somewhat cloying. I'll got for the old fashioned weak, milkless, hot, bitter green tea next time. But its good to be open to new things... even if they don't turn put as nice as you'd hoped!

But my mood didn't improve. And there seemed to be a lot of lovely women to look at, which made me lonely and horny... It was only when the girl at Tesco struck up a conversation about music with me as she scanned my copy of "Word" that my mood improved at all. We chatted for a few minutes about Bowie, Dylan and other stuff... She seemed to be far too young to be into my music, but was knowledgeable, so "C'est la vie, say the old folks, it goes to show you never can tell!"

There's a Propaganda record on the radio... Makes me think of my school friend who was killed about 5 years ago. He was a massive fan of them, Frankie, and ZTT record in general. Really loved that electro sort of thing. And I always think of him when I hear any of their records.

Improvements

I feel better.
Haven't thrown up since about 10am.
Am stuck here though for at least 24 hours more.
I work in the food industry so am not allowed to work until 48 hours without symptoms of food poisoning or related illnesses. The means Wednesday morning.
But if I went home now, Lovely Boss would almost certainly call me tomorrow and ask me to "pop in" for a meeting or collect a form or something.
So I'm stuck.

I'm already bored.

Unwell

Vomiting is not fun.
Possible result of last nights meal, but that's what I spent the morning doing...

Sorry.

I've not done that for a while!

I didn't eat breakfast, or lunch or tea... So this evening, after work, I went to the pub and had a surf and turf with a rare steak and scampi, then brownies, ice cream and chocolate sauce.
A pint of good Lancashire ale, and a large malt scotch later and I'm swaying down the road to bed... from where I am typing this.

Good night.

Rollercoaster

Had a great day out yesterday.
Went to a Japanese festival somewhere near Liverpool Street in London. Much hilarity at the choir who were singing soft and sensitive music when an error on the mixing desk fired 20 000 decibels of crashing chords though the PA... cue everyone in the choir and the audience jumping a mile and laughing uproariously. Drumming displays, Frank Chickens, and traditional music and songs also featured.

Then took Number 1 Son round some old haunts, via Covent Garden, Trafalgar Square and Oxford Street, and then home on the train and getting in about 8pm, completely knackered.

Was getting ready for bed and thinking about Z when she sent a text. Always find that a bit spooky... but there is obviously no supernatural reason for it. (Got that? Good!) We swapped a few messages before I realised I was falling asleep, so I said goodnight. Her last message, which I saw this morning was, essentially, a "Harrumph!!"

I have to leave this morning. I am working this afternoon. Kindhearted boss says we all have to 'do extra at this time'. He will be doing extra hours at home having left early again on Friday.

("Deep breath, Keep calm, Carry on!")

And I have woken up at the bottom of the rollercoasters dip. Perhaps its because I'm hungry, or because the last two days have been so good, or because Z was in touch, or because I could do with another day off...


or maybe its just one of those days.

("Deep breath, Keep calm, Carry on!")

I wish I was as funny as he is...

http://tinman18.wordpress.com/

I found this guys blog, for which I owe thanks to LBJ. Thanks LB...

There's a post about anti-depressants from a few days back. He lists some of the side-effects of Prozac and ponders why "Sexual problems" is so vaguely disconcerting.
Well - as a one time user I can tell him all about them.

It wasn't so much a problem as a complete lack of interest. Not even a twitch.

Not even when the person I have had a long term passion for (and I mean REALLY long term, decades) was telling me exactly what she was wearing (very little and very sexy) and what she and her soon to be absent for a long spell of travelling boyfriend were going to be doing for the next few hours... The sort of conversation she loves because she loves to tease me and leave me flustered (to say the least) and the sort of conversation I love because I still love her despite the fact that she does those sort of things.
I'd hate her if I didn't love her.

But, to return from the land of Overshare, that absence was the oddest feeling for me... as I was deprived, I don't know if that really is the word I'm looking for, of one of my prime motivations in life. Sex and sexuality had been a never ending
theme until that point in my life. It has been the cause of most of the joy and a lot of the agony in my life and to find it gone one day was something that I still don't know how to deal with.
There are times,even now years after taking Zac, that my "sex drive" vanishes for a few days, even a few weeks, and then returns with a vengeance. At those times I am not sure that I am "me". Is that what defines me to me? If so, what happens if it vanishes for good as I get older? Or I lose the rest of my mind to dementia and that is all that remains? Am I still me?

And so to... London, I think. Or maybe Tokyo would be a better idea...

Oh the difference a massage makes... Best £20 I've spent in a while!

I was rather nervous as I've never booked with someone before. All my previous professional massages have been "Walk-in" places.

The clinic, her choice of word not mine, is in a gorgeous old manor house by the river. Incredible place... had to drive through a park, then walk a way to get there.

The masseuse is a small, but strong, blonde woman with a firm handshake and an accent I couldn't pin down. She put me at ease, and when we had chatted about my bad shoulder so she knew to take care with it, sat me on the massage chair and then gave me a very firm acupressure massage. There was a bit of discomfort a few times, but it was always in that "its going to feel better afterward" sort of way... muscles that needed to be pulled, squashed, pummelled and stretched were complaining about being abused, but they realised after that it was exactly what they needed. For the first time in about a week I haven't got a stiff neck.

I already know I'll be going back... I'll have to see if I have the courage to go for the longer (but still fully clothed) massage, or even for the oil massage that they offer. Maybe in time... I'm still way too self-conscious at the moment.

And so to bed...

Aches...

I've been on my feet for 12 hours a day for the last 4 days.
I'm knackered.

I woke up at 5am again (product of getting used to the alarm going off at that time for 5 days running) and the walk out of the bedroom was excrutiating! Knees, feet, ankles, hips... all creaking and complaining as I moved.

I am looking forward to a massage later this morning.

Its the smallest things that can lift the heart...

I've been worrying about Number One Son, as he has a bout of flu and the word "swine" has been running around my mind and making me sweat.
But he's been in touch and feels "much better" - so that eased the mind a little too.

The I found out that I have got an interview. That lifted my heart a little.

So by the time I got to Waitrose, very tired indeed, my feet aching, the left knee screaming in complaint at every bend, thoughts becoming fuzzy at times to the point of looking like an idiot, I was feeling somewhat better.
Then the best moment of the day.

A female manager was sorting products in the aisle I was shopping in. I was looking for something for my lunch tomorrow and she was bending over making the shelves look neat and tidy. I glanced at her, just for a moment and saw the split in her skirt was exposing the band at the top of her stockings.
She wasn't my type - but she made my day.

Now I'm listening to "Groove is in the Heart" by Dee-Lite on the radio.
Could the day end any better?

Shh!

My internal monologue is out to get me.
Constant undermining of my every move. Telling me I'd be better off dead... telling me that I'm not worth it... and so on and so on.

I don't listen to what it says - mostly.
I rather wish it would shut up though.

and it ends as it began...

Woke at 3:30 and crashed into the wall.

Thought it was too good to last, and maybe that was the start of it. Then again, maybe leaving home to come to work was the trigger, or the food I ate, or the tea, or the telly I watched or the Internet I surfed...

I don't know, but the good feeling of the last week has gone at the moment.
I hope it will return.

But for now I am showered, shaved, dressed and ready for work.

Would you...

...Spend most of the only 24 hours you are getting with your partner, sleeping?

I wouldn't.

Tired

Too many hours this week...

And am seriously pissed off at someone who should have checked a pump, but didn't, so I had to get an engineer to fix it at 10 last night. That meant I was late home and am very tired.

And now I have to get ready for a 12 hour shift...

And I am still feeling OK in myself, I'm just very angry at someone who was so intent on finishing early, going on his holiday that he has screwed things up again for the ones who are covering while he's away. Am actually livid.
Dammit!!!

Still it continues...

I still feel ok.

Better than OK, actually, I feel good.

Any ideas why? Answers on a postcard, please!

So far... So...

Well, I think "good" is the word.

I woke up feeling refreshed and rested. Which in itself is unusual.
Someone at work gave a bottle of Sake, which he had in turn been given by someone. I opened it and had some with a cheese and pickle sandwich, and a piece of apple pie. I watched the football highlights and dozed off in the chair before the last goal was scored.
I was woken by the ejaculations of the commentators and staggered up the stairs and straight into bed.

After a slow start, I decided to treat myself to breakfast, and wandered into the city centre. Its a lovely day, and I sat at a table in the window watching people heading to work in the glorious sunshine. Sadly the food wasn't as good as I'd been lead to believe it would be. Bacon and egg were good, as was the black pudding, but the sausage, hash brown and beans were not good. The sausage was especially bad. Also the coffee, though reasonable, was in a cup so small as to barely give refreshment to a pixie, let alone a great, fat eejit like myself!

Having settled my bill I walked further into the city and bought "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" before taking my place on a sunny bench overlooking the pool and the minster to read for a while. The ducks sputtered and quacked most pleasantly.
I read for a while before trying to book a massage (the proper sort - nothing tacky, thank you every much!) My only failure of the day so far.

The washing is drying, the water for a bath is heating, for once... I'm OK.
I know it wont last for ever, but I am enjoying it immensely right at the moment.

Aches

I woke up this morning and it hurt.

Everywhere.

Neck, head, ankle (No idea where THAT one came from), elbow... meh...

Aching from thinking about my friend and what she's going through too.
I wish I could make it alright.

The weekend was good. Beer, friends, chat, food, games...
Return home less so.
I suspect the mouse behind the washing machine may be a larger variety of the genus rattus, but nothing I can do about it now.

A brief conversation about the state of the house was ended with...
"I've been trying to clear it up, but everyone else is making the mess!"
I pointed out I'm only there 2 days a week at most, so how am I to blame? A grumbled, muttered, muted answer which didn't say anything was all I got.

I got my stuff, said goodbye and drove here.

The peculiar madness of the occasional birder.

I got a message on my phone.
"Pied Flit, Lodge, 13:10, showing well, mobile."
Wouldn't mean much to most people but it told me that a Pied Flycatcher had been seen at the Lodge near where I live. It was easy to see, and moving around a lot. But Flycatchers are usually active birds, they do move a lot by virtue of their food, flies... obviously.

The drive down from the midlands was tense. I've never seen a Pied Flycatcher, so I was keen to see this fella. They don't stay in my home county, they pass through on the way to North Wales, The Lakes, and other places in the spring, and then in late summer and autumn they pass through again heading South.

But then there's the agoraphobia... It's an odd phobia, because while I can rarely go birding, a rarity, or a full blown twitchable bird, is usually not a problem. That said, as soon as I see the rarity, the Red Breasted Flycatcher, the Tundra Bean Geese, or the Wood Lark all in the area in the last year or so, the phobia kicks back in and I have to go home.

So I arrived, parked, grabbed the gear from the boot, and headed off to the reported location.
I wasn't sure exactly where to look, but I was fairly sure I'd find someone, and I did. Two guys I didn't know and one I've spent a lot of time birding with over the last 10 years.
And so I spent 2 hours fixedly watching a tree and a bush. Great Tit and Blue Tit were the only species that I saw, with the possible exception of a bird that dropped from the Tree into the back of the bush (all we saw was the movement, not an identifiable bird) and we all decided was our target... but that doesn't count, you have to see it properly. You don't have to see all of it, or even see it for a long time, just see enough of it for long enough to be certain that that was "it".

Just before I arrived my mate had seen it in the bush, he'd seen the shape of the head, the white chevron on the wing, and then it vanished into the depth of the bush. But all I'd seen was a blue, a great and a movement... Still we kept watching.
We even tried the old trick of convincing it we had left, by walking over to another stand of trees a hundred yards away, and staying out of sight for a while. Why? Because the bird knows you are watching and is waiting until you go to come out and sun itself... obviously. Why else would birds be seen well just after you leave a site after trying for 3 hours to see it?

And so we watched, circling the tree, sitting quietly, chatting loudly... eventually going into the little thicket and looking around.
Nothing.

It was decided that the bird was still there, on no evidence whatsoever other than we hadn't seen it leave. We hadn't seen it stay either, but that's not birder logic. Whether the bird was there and not showing or absent the result was the same.
I still haven't seen a Pied Flycatcher.
I'm busy this weekend, so I wont have another chance to get back there.

Maybe next year.

Hello dear readers...

Do I have any?

Just wondering.

Work plant might well be knackered again. Same part broken as last time.
Oh good.

I want to go and get very drunk. Probably shouldn't.
Really, really, really want to...

Grey day and Psycho female neighbours...

Moods been swinging between light and dark today. Sort of grey on average, but too rollercoastery for comfort.

What made me laugh is the psycho woman over the other side of the street.
When I came up to the digs she had coned off a section of the parkable area outside her house (a public street, not a drive or private area) with notices saying "Urgent delivery - please DO NOT PARK!!!"
Well, I doubted there would be a delivery on a Bank(National) Holiday, but I parked elsewhere. The area was still coned off when I got in at about 7pm last night... and again when I got home a 4pm today.
Exactly how urgent is this delivery?
Well, after 3 days, I reckon the coned off area is fair game. So I pulled up, moved the barriers she'd created, and parked my car.
She flew out of her house shouting "I'm expecting a delivery! Its Urgent! You CAN'T DO THAT!! You Arsehole!!!"
I did my best to be calm in the face of this, pointed out that the delivery hadn't arrived for 3 days, was unlikely to arrive after 4:30, and she had no right to rail off parts of the street - I think she might have broken the Highways Act, in fact, though I didn't say that.
I was going to say that I'd move the car if the delivery arrived and needed to park right there. Again, something I'd doubt... I mean what could be being delivered that couldn't be carried 20 yards?
But she was so foul, shouting that the people on "that side" think they own the street and saying "Where do you live? I want to know!" at which point I said... "OK. That's enough" and walked away while she screamed abuse down the road.
From my room I could see that she took in the rest of the cones after talking to her neighbour.

I must remember to check the car before I drive off in the morning. There's a lot of odd people about...

fuck
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck...

The blackness hit me like a steamroller this morning, and hasn't really let up.

Eaten too many cakes and biscuits this evening too.

I'm just whining I know but its one of my coping mechanisms... Sorry.