Better

I'm here on my own... and I am enjoying it.
In fact I am enjoying it more and more, I think... I think... See there go the Doubts again. Dammit why can't my brain just decide?

Still... never mind... Went for a Thai meal with LL and her BF. Lovely restaurant, good food, reasonable price, beer was OK and I managed to get away with a glass... Yay! (we asked, didn't steal!) Waitress was lovely too, which hasn't helped the fact that I'm hornier than a rhino farm, but hey, no change there!

A couple of small beers, food and a rest have made this afternoon and evening very pleasant indeed.

And so to bed...

No improvement.

The weekend hasn't got better.
Barely spoken...

Going back to work today.
Actually that provoked a row. She's working and I'm leaving here before she gets back as Bank Holiday traffic is a nightmare by 7pm.
How dare I?

but... never mind

I woke up at 7:30 to a call from eldest child asking me to collect him and a girl from a party they'd been to all night.
Took them for breakfast then dropped her home, he slept all day.
I went and got forms from Post Office,paid bills, other Saturday bits and pieces...

Then, in the afternoon, I watched the rugby on the Beeb. Followed by footy scores. which is where it all went wrong. In the middle of Final Score she turned over. Not a word, just picked up the remote and turned over.
"errr... I was watching that..." I said.
"But I only let you have it on for the rugby, and that's over."

Oh, so that's alright then. If only I'd realised I was being "allowed" to watch the rugby, I wouldn't have spoken out of turn.
I'm not sure how she took my shocked silence, as she turned it back and didn't speak to me again until I'd cooked a meal poured wine, and she was watching X-Factor. I have to put up with that, CSI (several variants), NCIS, endless reruns of Friends, and whatever trash TV is on non-stop in the house, but how dare I ask for control of the viewing for more than 45 minutes!

But...

never mind...

forget I spoke...

Leonard Bernstein!!

The last 3 tracks of REM's 1988 album Eponymous were our going out songs at college.

We'd decide we were going out on Friday or Saturday and we'd be farting around, playing games, drinking beer, skinning up, watching telly, and sort of getting ready... Then we'd hear the first chords of "The One I Love", and that was the start of the countdown.

If you've seen the episode of Friends where they have to go to some sort of posh do with Ross and he's really stressed about nobody getting ready, then at the last minute everyone and everything snaps into place - it was like that. There would be no perceptible change in behaviour, but it would go from 3 guys lounging around in stuff they'd not be seen dead in in the pub, to 3 guys ready for a night out with no effort.

"The One I Love" is followed by "Finest Worksong" and the "The End Of The World As We Know It" - As Stipe called "Leonard Bernstein" we'd all be ready, and out the door...

I could almost taste the ale and curry as I played those 3 tracks on Spotify earlier this evening.

(thats not us, by the way... just a random image of an 80s night out - sorry)

Over for now.

The night shifts are done for now.

I'm back in my home, not my digs, having managed to get the work done and left early for the extended weekend. I'm a bit wired, though, from the drive and from drinking energy (read stimulant) drinks for the drive home... so I'm waiting to unwind.
Actually, its starting - I can feel tiredness creeping up on me as I type.

The peculiar madness that afflicts me at work is passing... I clock watch. Not just "its 4 and I leave at 5" but "Its 10:30 and I'm halfway through my first day, which means 1/8 of the week, so this time tomorrow I'll be 25% of the way done and..." so on and so on...
It drives me mad, because at some point I'll work out that I'm only 3 days from Monday morning again and I go into another spiral of working out what I have left for me.
It never comes out good, but I can't seem to stop myself.

Last night I spent time trying to remember all my jobs that I've had since I was 15. It was late, I was tired and trying to keep some sort of focus...
Furniture polish remover, paperboy, barman, brewer, microbiologist, QC technician, food technician, Trading standards assistant, picker, packer, problem solver, customer service rep. I came to the conclusion that I hated every single job I have ever had.
With the possible exception of Barman.

I don't think my brain is designed for work. Maybe for some sort of flashy consultancy, or dilettante arty-farty thing... but not the daily grind.

Less good...

Not a good morning's sleep - only abut 4 hours.

I was far less tired this morning, and perhaps I didn't eat enough before going to bed... but I was asleep before 7, and awake again just after 11... will try for a bit more rest this afternoon.

Right now, I'm going to get my trousers on, see if I need to buy anything, and as I probably don't, and going to buy something I don't need or can do without.

Its the only sensible option in the circumstances!

This is playing merry hell with my sex life... at least it would if I had one!

Sleep... a thing of the past.

Well, for this week at least.

Night shifts. Not something I enjoy. The loneliness is palpable.
I don't mind working on my own, but I don't like working on my own, on my own... I prefer company while I work on my own thing.

On the plus side I managed to get a half decent sleep this morning, bought a nice book from Oxfam, tried not to be too obvious a letch in the city centre this afternoon and am fairly relaxed at the moment.

Nights

I'm working night shifts this week, which has made me very antsy.
I don't like nights, but I will just have to tough it out.

It probably wont be too bad, but my mind is already anticipating all sorts of things. Daft, but there you go.
I'm in a 7pm and working until 6am... at least I will be done on Friday morning and will have a nice long weekend to recover.

Accentuate the positive! (EEK!)

It might be the amount of beer I've drunk over the last 2 weeks...
It might be the weather...
It might be a lot of things...

But the panic attack I had in Tesco's today was absolutely awful.

It has passed now, but I was actually physically shaking when I got in.



Positivity isn't on the agenda at this minute.

Quite Drunk

Went for a meal

Drank a fair amount of beer

only got charged for 1 and a half pints...


Hurrah!

Cricket

Is there anything finer than a good England cricket performance, a warm day with a nice breeze, and a good cup of tea?

Probably, but this will do for me.

A Tribute to Ivor

I'm Happy,
I'm Happy,
I'm Happy,
I'm Happy,
I'm Happy
I'm Happy...






And I'll punch the man who says I'm not.

Returns and Repeats

And now I am back - I managed to fix Landlady's internet, or my connection to the LL's internet or... something.

So I'm going to go away and think about something to write... errrrrrrrrrrrr....

Perspective

Sometimes I get to realise that my problems and worries are pretty insignificant and I'm mostly a guy with somewhere to sleep, enough to eat, a family, and friends...

Sorry for moaning. And I'm sorry, but its a habit I probably wont be able to break.

Oddness increases.

So the plant broke again... About 3:15 on Thursday I was clearing one of the vessels and there was a strange noise. Investigations found that the inlet valve had been well and truly clouted by the clearing mechanism. The shaft of the valve is about an inch thick and had a 20 degree bend in it now...
So the valve was dismantled and collected and will be back on Tuesday - probably.
Well, maybe...

All this meant I cleared off early last night, and very early tonight.

So despair because work is difficult again, due to mechanical faults in the plant that they wont maintain, replace or deal with.
Also will have to work on Saturday next week... Bollocks.

Then I drove home. Long drive that has left me crabby and tired.
Also - a weird feeling to listen to "Any Questions" on Radio4. Mainly because Toby Young was on it - and I've always rather liked him. But by the end of the programme I was ready to drive anywhere so I could punch him. To Death!
Then the Buffton-Tuffton type rich farmer who I thought I'd hate as he was introduced was one of the most charming, and funny, guests I could have imagined. He was a bit "old school" sexist at a few points, but was happy to be lambasted for it and really didn't seem to mean what he said... more doing it to make the programme interesting! Very entertaining.

I'd been dying to see the Perseid meteor shower over the last few nights - but one night it was cloudy, the next was raining, and last night I was free... So I drove out to look at them, and then got a panic/agoraphobia attack.
Ended up back at my digs drinking port with Landlady.

At least that was pleasant.

I just feel sick today.
Another day where the coping techniques aren't working.

Lonely

I think its the quiet that gets to me.
It makes me lonely.
Don't get me wrong, I love being on my own and having the freedom to do what I want... which I do when I'm here, and I don't when I'm home with the family.
But I don't get enough contact. At work I work alone and for most of my time I have no contact with anyone at all. For the most part, people don't want to interact with my section so they don't come to say hello.
And thats where the lonely part arrives. I worked on my own in most of my jobs, but there was usually someone there, lots of people there to talk to, to take 5 minutes out with, just just interact with... If I put my mind to it today I could pretty easily go the whole day without even talking to another person.

Well, I survived the first day.
Boss has changed the rota so that I have a 12 hour day on a Saturday in a few weeks - nice.
also the night shift guy is off in 2 weeks and it's my turn for a week of nights. Trying not to stress about that as I'm just "troubling trouble" as someone once said.

Otherwise life is continuing in its same old very dull boring get up go to work sleep eat feel bored try to do something cant finish it wheres the time gone got to rush to do that thing now oh no it's too late or is it have i got the time sort of way it does most of the time.

A mate is retiring from work at the end of this week, apparently. He doesn't need the money, he says, so he's leaving - or at least just going to do some part time hours.
He's 50. 10 years older than me. Lives at home with his mum and has never married. I'm wondering if I've done the right thing with my life?

Back to work...

Here we go...
Back to work after 16 days off...
Am a bit shaky, but at least I have managed to get some stuff done this morning...

Let's see how it goes...

Wish me luck. Please.

End of the holiday...

I'm back in my digs. I came up early because when I've come up after a period of time off previously, and gone straight to work I've ended up in a realy state for several days. So, I thought, if I come up early, maybe I'll "get back into" the routine and it wont be so bad.
So far it seems to have worked, as I was in a state this morning, and am not too bad now.
Despite a terrible performance by my hometown sports team this afternoon, I'm quite chipper.

Fingers crossed it lasts.

Blackness returns

Its getting to the end of my holiday, I'm back to my digs tomorrow, back to work on Monday, and back into the Black Hole this morning.
Had a great day yesterday, met The Poet, then met up with LBJ and her bf. Had food, did art, drank beer... slept on the train home. All good stuff.

And this morning I feel like shit.
Inside I'm sobbing and howling. I feel nauseous, dizzy, and I want to run away and hide.

Thaws...

Spent most of the day staying out of the way. Am planning a solo expedition to London tomorrow. Great British Beer Festival is on at Earl's Court... I might slope in for a pint. Maybe.
Cooked a nice dinner.

Maybe that's why there's been a bit of a thaw in the house tonight.

Spent a while with my mate P this afternoon. She's always good fun and her family are always entertaining too. I also seem to be roped into helping her & hubby move house.
How did that happen?

Driving

I'm not a fan of driving, I hate it. So two 5hr drives in a week don't make me feel good...

First one was as a result of the family promising to be up and ready and in the car at 10am. 11:45 we started... On a Friday... In the Summer holidays...
The Motorway was insane. So I went on the A-roads. Much better, apart from getting lost coming off the M1 somewhere we don't know well. Then, later, back onto the M6. 200yards onto the carriageway and it stops dead for 25 minutes... I drove 100miles without ever getting into top gear.

Coming back was pretty crappy too, but mainly because wifey didn't speak for the whole journey. Apparently we were "picking on here every time she said anything"
She has still barely spoken to me...

Home again, home again, Jiggety Jig!

Seeing mum was really tough. Managed to stay for 1.5 hours in 3 visits over 6 days...

Rest of the time was good. Missed a connection with a frined I haven't seen in 20 years, but as he said... "After this long, what's another month or two?"
Drank too much.
Ate curry, and Chinese food, and Nando's (sorry 'bout that one!)
Went to Martin Mere in Lancashire. Saw a Peregrine Flacon.
Watched Rugby League.
Saw new Rugby League hero at the club shop. Wifey was pleased I didn't go and bother him. Wanted to though. I must be getting old.
Caught up with my coz and his mad GF. Excellent evenings...

Tired as fuck now...