Further walks, father walks, father walks.

I've had a horrible few days at work. Its been appallingly hot, colleagues have driven me mad, I'd damaged stuff while using a fork-lift truck, and generally had a miserable time. This has been compounded by a complete inability to sleep properly.

The shift finished at 6pm yesterday and I was exhausted. Crawled up the stairs and phoned Wifey. As I spoke to her I remembered that I'd promised to go to a quiz with some people. Damn charities! I showered, and ended up actually sobbing in the shower I was so sore and tired. I couldn't raised the energy to cook, so I dragged myself to the top of the hill and went into the Chinese take away. A guy came and asked about my order, but I couldn't speak - not through fatigue - I'd seen the prices. £8 for egg fried rice... it was £11 for Beef in Black Bean Sauce. At home my local take away can feed me, Number 1 Son and Wifey for £13:50, so I wasn't prepared to pay £20 to feed just me! I strolled to the Wetherspoons and had a burger and a pint for £4:50.
Refreshed I headed to the quiz and had a rollicking good time. Drank too much, but didn't care, and rolled in at about midnight. I fell asleep in the chair, woke at about 2am and headed to bed.

I felt fine this morning, and as I had the day off I lolled about in an indolent fashion before deciding to go out at about noon. I took my coat, as it looked like rain, but that was a bad idea. Bought myself a rucksack in a sale, stuffed my coat into it and strode out of the city. I walked for about 6 miles in a wandery, absent minded sort of way. I stopped in a church just for the hell of it. And came home with good, fresh bread, fruit and an idea about going to the cinema tonight that will probably come to nothing.

No, there was no agoraphobia again today either.

Wifey was between night shifts so I made myself scarce. I popped in to visit her sister and my nieces who were having a "girly day" - I left before I was asked to help with pedicures.

It was still too early to go home so I went for a walk in a model village a few miles from home. Not a village of tiny houses, but a village that was built by a local landowner to be twee, nice for him to drive through and give the estate workers somewhere decent to live. Of course because its attractive there is no way anyone with less than £2million under the bed can live there. I counted 3 Aston-Martins parked up, today.
Still - I dragged my rusty Fiesta up the hill, parked at the church and went for a walk.

I was given a Memento Mori moment in the churchyard, which was nice. It was a shame the church has been locked due to robberies.

So I walked into the wood. I was conscious of the agorophobia ad I was waiting for it to kick in, but for some reason it didn't, so I kept going.
I heard Ravens overhead, walked through a cool wood, saw a Treecreeper, and emerged into the grey heat of a cornfield.
Still I walked on. I followed the path around the field edge, stopping now and then to pick up interesting bits of stone, take photos, look at the view, listen to the absence of human noise - or the muffled noise ofthe motorway some miles away to the east.

Then, thirsty and hot in the muggy heat, I turned around and headed for home. Back past the fields where I had a "Van Gough moment" as a dozen Crows suddenly took to the air a few yards away from me. The cool of the wood was a blessing. I stopped again to view a pair of woodpecker fledglings on a dead tree, then again for flocks of tits, finches, and some small deer. Finally I returned to the car under the young oak tree, cool in the shade. I savoured the quiet one more moment before turning the ignition key and starting both the engine and radio at the same time.



Still the agorophobia didn't kick in. It never did today. I don't think its a total victory, but it was a small victory.

My life is like a movie...

But not a good one... I've not managed to get to sleep before 4am so far on my days off. A month of night shifts seems to have finally effected my body clock,

I found myself wanting to scream at Wifey this morning because she was eating toast. She'd come bck off her night shift and woken me up, and you know that scene in movies where someone is being annoyed and the other person starts eating and the noise of the eating is too much to bear, and it gets louder and louder and the camera moves in and the eating goes on and on,and it gets more and more annoying and louder and louder and closer and closer and...

I ended up laughing at myself.
"What's funny?" She said. I couldn't tell her.

Its not working. I can't seem to find words for the grind at the moment.
Stroppy behaviour from Wifey because I phoned when she in the shower, I'm missing Number 1 Son - who is in Greece on his first holiday without us, I keep feeling sick, and my knee hurts.

What a miserable git I am.

I've been trying to write about something, but it never comes out right.
Give me a bit of time and maybe it will, or it will resolve itself and wont need writing about.


Sorry.

I'm stuck in the house alone again. I really am wondering if the exchange of clean for dirty washing is the only impact I have here.
I also seem to be out of money... which is not good as I got my bonus a mere 3 weeks ago.
This time round, though, I did at least get shoes and glasses!

Silence has been brought on by night work, headaches, boredom, and little or nothing of consequence to say. And a broken laptop.

One of the above has been sorted, at a cost of £50.

Paying for it.

I've never paid for sex.

Today I went for another massage. And I felt as though I'd all but paid for sex.
She's small, blonde, athletic and pretty, and she was in physical contact with me for the whole 30 minutes. The longest time anyone has touched me for in a long, long time.
When she held my arm behind my back she used her thigh let my relaxed arm stay in place rather than flop to my side. When she stretched my arms from right in front to right behind, and as I'm much bigger than her, she made contact with my back from her chin down.
A mock intimacy. I'm a client, but I've only ever been manipulated like that by lovers before this woman.
I paid my money and left feeling relaxed and happy, and trying to remember that that is that.

A bit of a day.

Took Number One Son to shop for stuff for his holiday as his shift was canceled. We had a really good time, actually. Decided to stop of coffee and a macaroon at a posh cake shop, bought him some shirts and shorts, went in the Lego shop and bought Star Wars key-rings, got myself a couple of books, did some people watching... stuff like that.
As we came back into the hometown I was following a bus, ahead there was someone on the pavement. I turned to Number One and said "Has he fallen over?"
We slowed, and N1 said, "Yeah, but the bus is stopping... oh no it isn't!"
There was a man in his 70s sprawled on the pavement. I swung into a driveway and jumped out of the car.
"Are you ok?" "I've fallen!" He declines an ambulance, as he just can't get up. Another bus pulls over and the driver calls over to ask if we are OK. I assure him its under control, and I help the man slowly to his feet. Someone else, a fit looking guy in his early 30s, appears from somewhere and helps us. The man isn't badly hurt, just shaken. His elbow is scraped and his knee is bleeding under his trousers, but nothing serious. We guide him across the road to his car.

As I turn back to go to the car I hear a horn blow. There is someone trying to get into the driveway I stopped in, I see N1 starting my car - he has no license and, obviously, no insurance so I shout at him not to move the car. I know he's acting out of the best of intentions, and is capable of moving the car forward a foot or two, but I'm not happy about it.
The guy in the BT van is the one who biped his horn. I shout to him that I was helping the old guy and will move the car. He glances in the mirror, twigs whats going on and says "Oh, no problem"
I get back in the car and start to pull out. The man in the AA Driving school car comes hurtling past, just misses me as I'm pulling out, screaming abuse and making obscene gestures. Dammit if I didn't get his whole number. Still might be onto the AA Driving School later...

N1 and I then went round Sainsbury's, but I was so messed up after the adrenaline of the emergency I wasn't much use to him - he did the shopping, really.
Home, food, cider, bed.