Angry

I read this earlier in the week.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/jun/13/mariella-frostrup-unfulfilled-sex-wife-tempted-affair

Well, I've been wanting to write this all week, but I've not been able to be calm enough.
I sympathise with the guy who wrote in, as I'm in a near identical situation myself, except I don't get to go on glamorous trips around the world for work...
But the "advice" he's given... WTF? Is she serious?? The way I read it, and I'm happy to admit I have only been able to read it through a red mist, seems to be "Well, tough, mate... If she doesn't want to give you the things you need, then she doesn't have to and that's fair enough because anything else would upset her and the kids and they are so much more important that you. So shut up and be miserable for everyone elses benefit."

"You don't need me to tell you that spicing up your life requires investment from both parties." Well - D'uh!! This guy is 40. He's probably been with his wife for 10+ years. maybe even 20... and I doubt he's just ignored the problem for all that time before thinking - "Sod it, I'll shag someone else..." Jesus - He's probably agonised, begged, bargained, wept, been "the perfect guy", done everything she's asked and still she can't give him some satisfaction.

"If you're squandering your passion elsewhere, you're unlikely to be making your wife feel well loved or sexy." Yeah, that may be true, or perhaps, just perhaps he's brought her flowers, wine and gifts galore, rubbed her back and feet without ever asking (but always hoping) for anything more, cooked, listened, looked after the kids so she can have some "her time", been the husband/dad from all the adverts who can put up shelves, rescue kittens and look fantastic while cooking a gourmet meal for her... and still she shoves him away when he tries to kiss her.

I also doubt Mariella has ever kissed her hubby with lips so tightly closed he couldn't French Kiss her with dynamite. I doubt she's ever gone into a hug with her arms folded across her chest, and pushed him away by 6 inches - "just in case". I doubt she's ever heard him coming upstairs while shes getting dressed and thrown on clothes while still soaking wet (thereby ruining the linen dress) because there's a risk he might see her naked. I doubt she's worn pyjamas, a t-shirt and a dressing gown tied tightly around her to bed. I guess that the last time she made her husband orgasm (say... about two years ago, by hand) she didn't do it facing away from him and make a noise of disgust when he came, wiping it off her hand as fast as she could. I guess if he asked her she'd know whether he had pubic hair at the moment because she's looked at him recently - not be completely unable to make a guess at whether or not he had shaved a month before. I guess Mariella would know when she last made love to her husband, rather than guessing which year it was. I'd guess that if when he breaks down in tears and tells her he can't go on like this and begs her to help him sort something out, she would actually carry through her solemn promise to get help, and not do nothing and hope he'll forget about it.

I'm not dumb. I know that sex drifts at times in a marriage, sometimes great, sometimes not so. .. But how many years should he wait? 3? 5? 10? Out of the 20 years I've been with my wife I'd estimate we've had an active, normal sex-life for... 2-3 years at the most. The last time we made love regularly was 7 years ago. The last time we made love was nearly 18months ago. The time before that... another 2 years prior to that. She complained that I wasn't very good last time... I can't imagine why after 5 hours of patient foreplay I couldn't manage to be a romantic hero, complete stud and wonderful husband all at the same time for her.

Would you blame him, or me?